The Story of a Girl Anachronism

Catching Up is Hard to Do

2011-02-03T17:59:00.006Z

The Future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of sixty minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is.C.S. Lewis

Trying to catch up on the past eight months is not do-able for the time being, however here are 10 points, in no particular order, to bring me back up to speed.

1) Home
I now live with the lovely man in the post prior to this one. He is as ever, incredible. Some cracks are beginning to show (i.e. he can't cook, clean and enjoys partying a bit much for me) but all in all, he is great and everything is going well.

2) Career
Late last year I was offered a job by a fantastic digital distribution company. Now three months in, I'm happy and getting used to a whole new side of the music industry. It wasn't the easiest move and I miss my old colleagues more than I expected to but my new colleagues are [mostly] great and this is a great experience. the main benefit of this situation is, I don't have to work 70 hours a week anymore!!!

3) Babies
My gorgeous little sister is pregnant. Oh dear. She is 17 and has her whole life infront of her. I can't say i'm over-the-moon about the situation but credit where it is due, she is one of the most clued up people I know and is showing a maturity beyong her years. I don't doubt for a second that she will be a fantastic Mum.

4) Travels
I was lucky enough to get to go to Cannes at the end of January for work. We went for a trade show and while it was busy and there were far too many meetings to be had, it's hard to complain when you are on the French riviera outside a bar soaking up the sun while talking numbers! It was an incredible place. Almost unreal. Everyone looked as though they had stepped off a catwalk, beer was 16euros and it wasn't uncommon to spend 40euro on a gin and tonic. Thank god for expenses!

5) Hanson
Yes... The "kids that sang Mmmbop". Well they are still going strong and I was over the moon to finally get to meet them. I've followed their musical career for the last 14 years and it was a pleasure to discover that they were just as lovely and pleasant as they have always seemed. Now, how to work with them? Hmm. The frustrating thing is, is that I was in with a chance of working with the band, however there are others after them too. I KNOW I would do better job than anyone else on this. There aren't many people in the industry who know the catalogue, the fans, target market and of course the values inside out the way I do. But how to convince them of that without sounding like a crazed fan?

6) Grandpa
One of the most upsetting and heartbreaking experiences of my life, was losing my Grandpa. He passed away peacefully late last year and honestly, I have never felt pain like it. I still miss him and still think I see him and do a double take when I see some elderly man in London. I don't think he ever even visited this city! Just wishful thinking.. R.I.P Grandpa, you will be missed forever.

7) Dad

Still ill, still ungrateful, still complaining, still pretty much useless. He has perked up a little bit now that is due to become a Grandpa himself. Maybe he will take this chance to man up and be the person he can and should be? fingers crossed!!

8) Pets
I have now got a hamster... named Hammond. That's about all I can say on this subject.

9) Weight
I have managed to gain approximately 45lbs in the last 8months. That's not cool... nor comfortable. It's either thanks to contentment... or takeaways.

10) Mum
Myself and my Mum have never been very open with oneanother. As Mothers go, she was amazing, however she has never really known much about me, including some major life changing experiences. We have agreed to go on a holiday together at the end of this month to spend time with each other and perhaps get to know each other better. i'm not overly enthusiastic, there is just too much to tell, but nonetheless, it's lovely that we are both making the effort.

So there we go, that's 10 facts from the past year which brings me back to present day.

What have I missed?

GA X

Drag me kicking and screaming through fast dreams

2010-07-20T15:46:00.005+01:00

I'm not even really sure how to update my blog seeing as it is so out of date.

The vast majority of my updates revolve around this man...
I have no clue how to describe this guy. No clue at all. This video above seems to sum it up pretty well.

I feel extremely lucky and far more content and happy than I did just a few months ago. I've met someone who understands me and treats me unbelievably well.

I'm smiling again!

Song of Moment

2010-06-21T12:25:00.003+01:00

This young lady is incredible.

Lissie - Everywhere I Go

Youtube Link - Apologies I can't find an official video
Spotify Link - For those of you in the UK
itunes Link - Because everyone should own this song

And i fall on my knees
Tell me how's the way to be
Tell me how's the way to go
Tell me all that i should know

And i fall on my knees
Tell me how's the way to go
Tell me how's the way to be
To evoke some empathy

Danger will follow me now
Everywhere i go
Angels will call on me
And take me to my home
Well this tired mind
Just wants to be lead home

And i fall on my knees
Tell me how's the way to go
Tell me how's the way to see
Show me all that i could be

And i fall on my knees
Tell me how's the way to be yeah
Tell me how's the way to go
Tell me why i feel so low

Angels will follow me now
Everywhere i go
Angels will call on me
And take me to my home
Well these tired eyes
Just want to remain closed

I don't see clearly can't feel nothing no
Can't you hear me?

And i fall on my knees
And angels will call on me
Now everywhere i go
Angels will call on me
And take me to my home

And angel will fall on me
Everywhere i walk
Angels will call on me
And take me to my home

And angels will call on me
Now everywhere i go
Angels will follow me
Now lead me to my home

It's Been a Good Year Gone Bad

2010-02-10T15:50:00.003Z

So first post of 2010 is so long overdue!
I’ll keep this one short.

For me, 2010 began full of blind optimism and complete faith that this would be a great year. I mean this one is different right? The end of 2009 was not only the end of a year, but the end of a decade! So much to look forward to!

How has 2010 treated you so far? Good? Bad?

For me the best word is tough. It has been a tough 6 weeks (is that really all it has been?) so far and a lot has happened. Very little of it good. In short, my sister and Dad are not doing so well and as their only family I have the responsibility of looking out for them. With my gorgeous little sister this is not an issue.. with my less than gorgeous Father… it is a big problem. My amazing housemate has now moved out as well, and I miss him a lot more than I thought I would. Finally work has been kicking me in the ass big style.

Regardless of all of the above - I STILL feel optimistic. When I reach the end of 2010, I am sure I will have achieved something. This year is a year for achievement against the odds. Not just for me, but for my sister, for my now ex-housemate, and I guess, perhaps even my Dad! Who knows!

"Another fresh new year is here....
Another year to live!
To banish worry, doubt and fear,
To love and laugh and give!

This bright new year is given me
To live each day with zest...
To daily grow and try to be
My highest and my best!

I have the opportunity
Once more to right some wrongs,
To pray for peace, to plant a tree
And sing more joyful songs!

William Arthur Ward

Happy 2010 everyone. It’s a new decade… let’s make this one count!

The Comforting Routine of Home

2009-12-22T23:07:00.005Z

The landscape become more mountainous and the villages and towns become fewer and further between. Gaidhlig slowly creeps into the street signs and everything becomes quiet and beautiful... I know I am on my way home.

Each time I go home I have a routine:
I walk to the back door and marvel for a moment at the garden and the surrounding landscape. I then take a few paces into the kitchen and have a drink of water from the tap... so fresh, so clean and so ice cold. From here I boil the kettle, and make a cup of coffee which I take through the living room and drink while sitting on the mega comfy sofa.

After another coffee and a bite to eat I tend to head upstairs for the most relaxing bubble bath in my old small but incredibly clean and fresh bathroom. Afterward I head through to my old bedroom and get changed into the same comfy pajamas I have worn on each visit home for the past two years (I don't visit much, they are like new :)

Then it is time to curl up in front of the roaring coal fire before heading to my amazing bed to sleep like a baby.

Telling yourself you told you so...?

2009-12-12T23:00:00.002Z

Currently Playing: Dream On - Christian Falk feat Robyn. (My fantasyland song)

Knowing that you were both right and wrong proves both upsetting and strangely comforting. You discover that the negative pessimistic side of you was correct, while the positive, hopeful and optimistic side of you is left to go and sulk in a corner. The problem is, each time the positive side disappears to a corner, it takes longer and longer to lure it back out.

So TH turned out to be a rat and not just a normal rat, but a super rat. He put so much effort in to acting like something that he clearly is not that I almost pity him.

When we are played so badly, we kick ourselves, we know that we should have known it was too perfect. We should have known that while it temporarily appeared we were living in a 1930s romance novel we would come round and realse it was actually a modern day trashy read of the typical boy screws over girl story... but who doesn't want to feel amazing?

I am so grateful to my negative / pessimistic side right now. It has kept TH at arms left and kept me safe - people like him can't hurt me. Not any more.

You won't be pushed or messed with tonight
you won't be lied to, ruffed up tonight
You won't be insane, paranoid, obsessed
aimlessly wandering through the dark night
(Christian Falk - Dream On)

It is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust

2009-12-04T15:08:00.004Z

Current Mindset : Happy / Smiley
Current Song: Such Great Heights: The Postal Service

Would someone who was going to 'zap' you do the following:

Plan the first date,
Be the first to call
Be the first to text
Plan the second date
Provide the wine
Cut out of newspaper clipping that mentions a bar he thinks would be fun to go to together.
Suggest going on a drive to the South Coast just for a nice pub lunch and a long walk
Suggest going to the club he works in occasionally because he think you'd like the cocktails

"Trust that little voice in your head that says “Wouldn’t it be interesting if..”; And then do it."

TH seems to be able to read me... a bit too well. He looked at me yesterday and just understood... he said "you don't know what to make of me do you?" I thought it was only fair to respond in an honest answer.... "no". He smiled and gave me a hug and said "I can tell you think I'm a player, and I would love the chance to prove you wrong."

For me, giving this beautiful man a chance is a risk, and it feels like one. However the hour glass in my head has been turned and no matter how positive I may act or try to be, I feel that I am now on a time limit. This is not any fault of TH I just simply do not trust myself. I do not trust my judgment and I do not trust that I will not say or do something ridiculous that will immediately ruin everything.

One must be fond of people and trust them if one is not to make a mess of life.

2009-12-02T14:19:00.003Z

Trusting yourself if twice as hard as trusting others...

If someone breaks your trust, you know it's their fault and therefore it is not a confusing and overly hurtful situation, however if you trust yourself you are the one to blame when everything goes wrong.

What do you do when you can see the bug zapper and you know it will probably end up the same as it does every other time, but there is a tiny niggle that says maybe, just maybe this one will work out differently.

If this one is nothing but a bug zapper... he is doing a great job of disguising himself as prince charming. (Is charming the key word here?)

"That's Why You Turn & Run"

2009-11-30T17:17:00.004Z

Here is a bit of background on the character that will shortly become the subject of my anger and frustration fueled rant...

3 ex wives
3 years in prison
2 daughters (1 to his second wife, 1 to his third)
1 is 15 and until last weekend the two had never met
1 amazing partner who bends over backwards to look after him
5 strokes in 2 years
4 month hospital stay
3 Spinal operations
0 thanks for all people do for him

Getting back in touch with a 'Father' after seven years of wondering what might have been is nothing short of amazing. The 'child' is full of anticipation and excitement about meeting someone who will pleased to see them, someone who 'should' have been by their side for years. The excitement becomes short lived a Mum warns that this man would promise me the world and deliver on nothing. Thank goodness I was warned.

Thankfully I have never required him to be there as a Father figure... I always had an amazing Dad in my life, my mums husband who is more than I could have hoped for.

My gorgeous little sister is in a different situation. For the past seven or eight year she has coped remarkably well without her Dad and is a strong and switched on young lady, however, she has now has the heartbreak of losing her mother leaving no parental influence in her life. This amazing young lady has got back in touch with my Dad in an attempt to feel like she belongs to a family... unfortunately my Dad is possibly the least reliable man on the planet

“The sudden disappointment of a hope leaves a scar which the ultimate fulfillment of that hope never entirely removes.”
Thomas Hardy

He does not deserve her love, he does not even deserve mine for all he has done in his life. We have both given him a second chance (or in my case 5th or 6th chance) and he couldn't appreciate it less. I do not need him... she does.

People like this will never change, we all know it although at times it would be nice if they were at least grateful for what they have, for the people they have around them who will keep forgiving, those who are looking after them when they are ill, backing them up when they are stuck in a tight spot but no... they won't. People like this truly believe they are entitled to what they have. They remain adamant that nothing is their fault. They do not admit to anything, they have no integrity and no sense of responsibility. They will happily take take take for their entire lives without ever learning the word "give."

At some point the people who look out for them, the people that have their back, will give up. They will leave the offending man's life forever and not even consider looking back.

Rant Over.

“Attraction is not a Choice.” David DeAngelo

2009-11-24T16:29:00.004Z

TH and me are going on a date tomorrow evening....

Couldn't really be much more nervous but at the same time I am ridiculously excited. I also hate myself for being so convinced that this one feels different. Everything about it is different.

"Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose"
Tom Krause

While that may be true I cannot fool myself into thinking the outcome will be any variation to the norm.

Bug Zapper

10 Best Disney Films

2009-11-23T00:12:00.003Z

1) Jungle Book
"Many strange legends are told of these jungles of India, but none so strange as the story of a small boy named Mowgli." - Bagheera

2) Beauty & the Beat
"Couldn't keep quiet, could we? Just had to invite him to stay, didn't we? [imitating Lumiere] "Serve him tea. Sit in ze master's chair. Pet the pooch!" - Cogsworth

3) Aladdin
"Thank you for choosing "Magic Carpet" for all your travel needs. Don't stand until the rug has come to a complete stop. Thank you." - Genie

4) Peter Pan
"You can't stick it on with soap, Peter. It needs sewing. That's the proper way to do it. Although, come to think of it, I've never thought about it before... um... sewing shadows, I mean." - Wendy

5) Pocahontas
"You can own the earth and still. All you'll own is earth until You can paint with all the colours of the wind." - Pocahontas

6) The Little Mermaid
"If only I could make him understand, I just don't see the way he does, I just don't see how a world would make such wonderful things, could be bad." - Ariel

7) The Lion King
"Let me get this straight. You know her. She knows you. But she wants to eat him. And everybody's okay with this? " - Timon

8) Robin Hood
"You know somethin', Robin. I was just wonderin', are we good guys or bad guys? You know, I mean, uh? Our robbin' the rich to feed the poor." - Little John

9) The Aristocats
"Shang-hai Hong Kong egg fu yung! Fortune cookie always wrong! " Chinese Cat

10) Cindarella
"Get up. Quick, this instant. We haven't a moment to lose. Anastasia? Anastasia. Get up, Anastasia. " - Step Mother

3 Close Contenders

Lady & the Tramp
Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs
Pinnocchio

Beautiful Disaster

2009-11-21T23:14:00.002Z

Have you ever met someone for the first time and your first thought was “wow!”

That happened to me on Wednesday. Well no, it happened before I actually met the person we will call TH.

My week was a mess, with organising a terrifying work event that featured a live band. The record company were providing the sound engineer and only the day before the event, I discovered they had forgotten to book one. TH was the only recommendation I had so I cold-called him. This man could not have been more amazing. Incredibly helpful and sweet and even willing to change his plans to allow him to work at the event, I could not wait to meet him.

By 7:30pm on the day of the event the guests were piling in, everything was crazy and I thought my head would burst. I was briefing the door staff on the guest list when in walked the most beautiful man. I instantly knew it was TH. In person he was even more lovely than on the phone and oh so attractive.

"Intuition is the clear conception of the whole at once."
Johann Kaspar Lavater

The night as a whole was mad but a big success. I had very little time to speak to TH but anytime I asked for his help (I admittedly looked for reasons to talk to him) he was more than happy to help and so his manner was so calming and sweet.

The following day I sent him an email providing him with invoice details and to say thank you. Rather than returning my email, he sent me a text saying what a pleasure it was to meet me and that he hopes we see each other again.

This couldn’t be more of a disaster… Judging by my track record, I now have approximately two weeks before he never speaks to me again.

"Experience is the best teacher, but a fool will learn from no other."
Benjamin Franklin

Preparing for a date.... Logistical Nightmare?

2009-10-08T10:50:00.008+01:00

Tonight I am going on a date with a lovely Italian man and I feel (in this order):

Nervous
Excited
Happy
Cautious
Vulnerable

The added pressure of the evening include the fact that most people in the damn town seems to know one or both of us thanks to our jobs. Can you imagine being on a date and having people you know coming over to chat and ask awkward questions? Bad News! This makes the venue choice is a bit of a mission.

Meet at 8 and go for a drink a gorgeous wine bar (none of my customers, lots of his!)
Head off to a unknown location for dinner (he is choosing venue and I've been warned that there will be none of his customers but some of mine)
Go for a drink in a lovely bar at the river. (Possibly frequents by our customers but unlikely)

On top of this I have the usual stressful crazy date preparation to get through!

My Date Preparation (up to and inc. tonight):

Consider outfit and realise I have nothing remotely suitable in my wardrobe
Rush out to buy some gorgeous black trousers that I 100% cannot afford
Give my self a facial

- 1 Day before

Pluck eyebrows
Exfoliate
Try on outfit and realise the gorgeous new trousers are too big.
Panic and run over all the bad men I have ever met in my life before convincing myself that Mr Italian is not like any of them.

- Day of Date (morning)

Set out the suitable parts of my outfit for quick change later
Set out a contingency outfit
Rush out before work to change the trousers for a better fitting pair
Arrive late and flustered in to work and proceed through my day more stressed than necessary

- Day of Date (p.m. - 1 hour to get home, ready and back out)

Have a super quick shower (I am great at these!) - max 5 mins
Jump into my outfit (that now hopefully fits!) - max 5 mins
Blow dry, straighten and back comb my hair - 25 mins
Start Make up, natural but flattering - 10 mins
Run for the bus which will inevitably be late - 10mins
Continue Make Up while on the bus - 5 - 10 mins
Run up the High Road - 5 mins
Arrive looking windswept and no doubt awful with a big smile (fashionably 5 -10 minutes late)

So here goes, hopefully it will be a good night - I think it will - I hope it will! Wow, how stressful is dating? Shoud it really be this tough?

A Childhood Away

2009-10-06T10:16:00.004+01:00

15 years… a lot can happen in 15 years.

A child can get receive their full education in that time. Including Primary School, High School and then University.

In 15 years a bump in a Mother’s tummy can go from nothing more than a cause for great excitement to becoming a beautiful, happy and strong young woman.

That first child can wait 15 years to meet what she knew as the bump in a Mother’s tummy. She can spend years asking about what the baby will look like now, she can remember each year that the little bump will be getting older. She can count down the years until she feels that little bump will be old enough for her to make contact… then after 15 years of waiting, a full 15 years of anticipation… that bump that is her beautiful little sister can suddenly come into her life and everything automatically fits into place. Everything feels right!

My gorgeous sister (left) with her best friend (right)

That’s correct folks, I have waited 15 years to meet my ‘baby’ sister and now in past week I have discovered where she is, had an amazing phone conversation with her, and have received at least one SMS everyday since Wednesday. In only six short weeks, I will be meeting her for the first time.

"In the cookies of life, sisters are the chocolate chips"

I could not be more excited! I feel so incredibly lucky and blessed.

Thank you lord!

Elderly in London

2009-09-17T09:53:00.004+01:00

One thing that is obvious about London is that it is not designed for the eldery. I see the elderly London locals wandering around, using all their strength to get on and off of buses (shockingly I rarely see people assisting them and often have to run to help them myself) and watch them struggling up hills with shopping bags.

The elderly intrigue me. You can see some 'poor' old man, very frail and weary looking and realise that for all you know, he could have been a successful business man or perhaps ex show-biz... we automatically assume that he has always been they way he is today.

Thinking of my Grandparents over the past few months and observing the elderly in London has encouraged me to take part in some voluntary work with the elderly. I would hate to think of my Grandparents struggling the way I see others doing.

I'll most likely help a charity that deals with Alzheimers or Dementia, two subjects close to my heart. www.alzheimers.org.uk/

Wardrobe Essentials for a Wannabe Classy Lady

2009-09-15T13:10:00.004+01:00

Seldom do people discern Eloquence under a threadbare cloak.
Juvenal
Class is timeless, it effortlessly displays the epitome of feminine beauty and best of all, from what I have read, we can all shy away from the ever-changing fashions and move towards the styles of a more glamorous time. I’m thinking Chanel, Audrey Hepburn, or for a more modern day example think of Catherine Zeta Jones.

OK so the majority of us mere mortals are unable to afford their style, but basics are the key and I badly need a new wardrobe.

Unfortunately in the past year my wages have been too low to allow for any luxuries what-so-ever (I do not doubt the vast majority of people are in the same situation!) and it has now reached the stage that everything I do have is covered in holes or rips and it looks awful. I cannot rock the scruffy look any longer. I need well fitting clothes; I need clothes that I do not feel embarrassed to wear. It is time for a new look, time for some style and elegance in replacement of my current hobo-esque gear.

“Fashion is made to become unfashionable.”
Coco Chanel
So here I go, with a (slight) pay rise on the horizon I am going to gradually build up my essentials by investing in clothes. I must first purchase all my basics as well as a few ‘classic’ pieces. I.E. spend a little bit more than I can afford but get plenty of use of the piece for years.

The Staple Diet of Clothes,

2 well fitting, well made short sleeved T-shirts (1 black, 1 white)
2 well fitting, well made long sleeved T-shirts (1 black, 1 white)
2 pairs of well fitting, well made jeans (1 casual, 1 smart)
1 slim line / pencil skirt (perhaps less the pencil skirt as I seem to always be in a rush and the penguin run does nothing for anyone!
1 blouse (purchased from Bravissimo to stop the gaping look!)
1 pair of black trousers
1 pair of tailored trousers
1 well fitting cute cardigan

“The difference between style and fashion is quality.”
Giorgio Armani
The Elegant Extras (any links are likely to be way out my price tag - but I can dream :)

Winter Jacket… ideally something long in a neutral colour, or black, get it right and it will last you 10-15 years easily!
The Perfect Little Black Dress Something that flatters my shape and that I feel great in. Can be used for any occasion
Little Shift Dress Ideal for lunches or teaming with your fancy jacket and some cute shoes
Blazer jacket… difficult for us bigger bussed ladies but one of the most versatile items of clothing many of us will own… cocktails, interviews, meetings, dates… it works for them all.
Cute but comfy toeless sling backs Some amazing shoes to go with my newly formed basics.
An Authentic Birkin Bag Amazing! I would kill for one of these!

“Looking good and dressing well is a necessity. Having a purpose in life is not.”
Oscar Wilde

Counting My Blessings...

2009-09-13T12:14:00.005+01:00

I listened to the most beautiful piece of music a couple of days ago, "A song for all seasons" from the album Hymns & Hers by the amazing Oliver Schroer. I was introduced to Oliver's music and his story by his fantastic publicist and close friend Jane Harbury while working in Toronto for the summer. Oliver was diagnosed with leukemia which then progressed to terminal, and not once did he lose courage. listening to his track made me go and look over his old mail-outs to his thousands of fans across the world.

"We all have to die some time. None of us will live on this planet forever. I think some people live very intensely and burn very brightly during their time here. I think I am one of those people. A shining star while I am here. So I look at my life as I have lived it, and I feel very satisfied with all I have achieved and gone through. As a musician and artist I have found my voice on my instrument of choice. "
(Oliver Schroer 08/04/08)

After re-reading Oliver's emails it made me realise that we should all be counting out blessings, we should make an effort each day to remind ourselves of everything that we are thankful for so as I am short of time at the moment, here are the first 5 blessings that pop into my head:

I finally feel comfortable in my job. I am now permanent and feel like I am able to cope at the moment. I am being challenged every day and loving every minute of it. I wake up in the morning and look forward to going to work.
My re-location to London has all in all been a success. I may not have much money. but I have a great place to stay, great housemates and I am in a great location.
I still have all my amazing friends in Scotland and a great place to go home to.
Over the years I have been lucky enough to make many friends who have either gone on to live overseas, or who have returned to their home countries. I get to look forward to seeing them again as well as a great excuse to travel!
Many opportunities have came my way. Whether it be through going to University, or travelling, or being able to follow my ambitions and dreams. I am gradually working my way through my 43 Things list and it feels fantastic!

It feels good to do that! It makes me smile to realise that I am actually an incredibly lucky person. Yeah, bad things happen, so what? Things aren't always great, so what? No one said life would be easy, and we must make the most of all we have and enjoy every minute we have!

"I do want to encourage you, that when you do stuff, and get into projects in life, make sure you have the maximum amount of fun and satisfaction you can have. Don’t settle for just a bit of fun. You might have heard the saying ‘More is less’. Well, that only applies sometimes. Often, more really is more. And when it comes to getting satisfaction from creative projects you are involved with, you can bet that more is more, so grab the moment and make the moment big."
Oliver Schroer (8/4/08)

Caught in the middle

2009-08-25T11:00:00.001+01:00

You know when you hear songs that seem to sum you up perfectly?

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down I know
I've got to let it go
And just enjoy the show

Tips / Advice for Relocating to London

2009-08-06T15:06:00.013+01:00

This morning I found a To Do list that I had written upon my arrival in London and over it brightened up my day, as the top 10 things on my list… the top 10 things I considered important to me, I have completed. It has reminded me that I actually have achieved a lot since coming to London. I have done a lot, and it has not been a complete disaster.

London is an amazing city and I would highly recommend it to anyone. It is a fantastic place to live (unless you live central… ) but I thought I would write my top tips when moving to a big city.

- Pick a nice area to live
Do your research! Like all cities, London has its good areas and bad areas… You do not want to live in a bad area of town – it takes away your freedom! But then again, a very good area of town is going to be mega pricey. I chose to move to Acton – typically a rough neighbourhood but the area I live in is closer to Chiswick a middle class area and therefore I get the best of both worlds, a relatively cheap (by London standards) place to live and close to a lovely area (if a little too posh) I haven’t had any trouble whatsoever! And it has almost been a year!

- Find some great friends
Easier said than done in this city! Everyone is very concentrated on their own lives and will not look twice at you unless you make the effort first. But then they are very wary of this. I made friends through my second job and I wouldn’t change them for the world. A great mix of people - I love them all! Or use meetup.com
(yes I am aware that the photo is awful!)

- Discover the ‘countrified’ things in your area
In London people are so bogged down in city life, they tend to want to be in the country. Therefore there are many farmers markets, gorgeous park spaces, canal / riverside cafes and bars etc. It really eases the stress of the city and works whether you are alone, or with a great bunch of friends.

- Have a regular place
If you head to the same café at the same time every few days, you will tend to see the same people, meaning that you become a familiar face and then if you can, work up the courage to speak to them… another way of making new friends.
My place of work became my regular haunt... meaning I made mad friends, like the madman in this picture! :)

- Know what is 'close' by you
All of a sudden you have moved from somewhere that everything was familiar to a strange urban wilderness which at first can seem daunting… but if you need out of the city for a while, be aware of how close you are to so many other places! Head to Kings Cross / St Pancras and take the Eurostar to Paris for a couple of days. Or jump on a train to Brighton for the sea air, or even head to Bath or Bristol… it is all close at hand now!

- Learn to love the tube
By far the easiest mode of transport. But learning to love the people barging into you, or the 5 people squashing you on a packed tube at rush hour is far more difficult. Develop a thick skin and deal with it. If need be barge back… or say something! Believe, they sh*t themselves.

- After a while find yourself a lovely partner in crime
Whether that be a friend that you meet that you instantly never want to lose or a special man / woman.
Someone to share great things with, and someone to lend a shoulder to cry on when you are feeling down or homesick. I was lucky enough to find a great friend in Fiona… not so much luck on the man front… for a massive city with such a diverse population – I have had zero luck with men - Massively attracted to a man who is both inappropriate and emotionally unavailable… typical!

Like I said, London is a great city, I would go as far as to say London is the best city in the world! (That I have visited) This is probably due to the great friends and the great experience I have had.

Reading my list earlier today made me realise that while moving here and starting a new life has been difficult and while things have been mad the past couple of month, I have made the right decision. Moving to London was worth it and I love it!

Now the stressful things just have to ease up a bit and all will be well in my world :)

8 Goals - 1 Year...

2009-08-03T14:35:00.005+01:00

I use the website 43 Things to keep a list of my goals and it occurred to me that it has been a long time since I have made any progress. I was inspired by a post in the blog of a good friend (and incredible writer / photographer / craftswoman) to make a list of achievable goals for the next year, so from my 43 things… here goes:

By August 2010 I will have completed the following -

Go white water rafting
Go abseiling
Create a scrapbook of Germany
Improve my French
Get my SIA door licence
Get my sale of alcohol license.
Donate Blood
Book my ticket to Australia

It was only today I decided I wanted to go on an adventure holiday, which will allow me to abseil, go white water rafting as well as other fun outdoor activities. A weekend of fun! Unfortunately as my money situation is so dire, it will have to wait until next spring at least. (I refuse to jump into the atlantic ocean in December... I have done it on more than one occasion, and it was not pleasant.

The two licenses are simply to allow me to move seamlessly back into the live music industry. I will never be a door steward, but if I have that qualification, I am able to head up security. If I have this as well as sale of alcohol licenses, venues and promotions companies consider themselves very lucky.

One worry - total cost of goals: Approx £1600... ouch.

“Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.”

2009-07-31T17:59:00.000+01:00

So everything with Mr Confusion was sorted out on Saturday.

Things have been a little on edge with us since my drunken disaster a few weeks ago (may I just say, I have been sober since ☺ ) when we had a very long and in-depth conversation that I could remember nothing of. On Wednesday we had a hug and a good chat and the air is now clear. Although I am still none the wiser as to what is happening with us… I’m confused… no, he’s confused… wait… what?

I’m sure that we decided to draw a line under ‘us’, however Mr Confusion appears to have changed his mind. I am not niaive, I am more than aware that he is well out of my reach and I simply put his behaviour down to having a few pints (although I was invited back to his place for ‘a drink’ and when I declined I received an extremely sweet good night phone call, which I won’t lie, I loved.) but yesterday, when Mr Confusion finished work, he sent me a text asking if I was around and would like to meet him for a drink, (considering he is a policeman, I doubt he was drinking on duty.) again I declined as I was in bed but we have agreed to see each other this evening. Hmm.

I could lie and say I’m smarter this time, and I’m not being drawn in, but that would be a lie. I am really looking forward to seeing him tonight. C’mon though – BUG ZAPPER.

What am I doing? I know I should just say no, and walk away from amazing, extremely handsome man now… but will I use my head and do that? No.

“A house is made of walls and beams; a home is built with love and dreams.”

2009-07-22T15:19:00.003+01:00

Curling up in my bed last Friday night, I felt… peaceful. I think that would be the best word to describe it. Everything was buzzing around me, but lying there I could not help but feel that if I stayed there, everything would work out just fine.

Unfortunately that was my bed in northwest Scotland rather than in London. Leaving my house on Monday was difficult, it was as though for the short time I was there I slipped back into childhood and leaving was like walking away from it again, back into a world where everything seems to be crumbing.

Going home is a strange thing for me now. It conjures the old memories, which in is unpleasant to some extent, but at the same time, it is where I recognise everything, I know everyone and I feel cared for.

Memory is man's greatest friend and worst enemy.
Gilbert Parker

I become a small child again - my Mum making me a cup of milky tea in the morning, looking out of the kitchen window and seeing a the hills, the chapel and the fields.

When someone is in their childhood bed, with the duvet wrapped all the way up to their face, nothing else can go wrong, they are unable to annoy people, and nobody can get to them. They are able to be alone with their thoughts, safe in the knowledge that if they leave their bedroom, family and friends will surround them. Nothing bad can happen there now. It is my truly peaceful place.

Childhood has no forebodings; but then, it is soothed by no memories of outlived sorrow.
George Eliot

Strangely enough, home usually evokes memories of Scott, but memories of when we were happy and I felt completely safe:

I am not mourning our relationship, but I do miss his friendship and admittedly I miss feeling as secure as I felt at the time this photo was taken.

While in London I am making a definite push to not discuss anything I have going on personally. I refuse to become known to everyone here as a misery guts. Some people know too much about me as it is and I cannot allow this to any further. My friends here are too precious to me – if I become a nightmare, there is a high chance I will lose their company.

Speaking of precious friends I’m going for dinner with a friend that I haven’t had a chance to catch up with for a while. It’ll be lovely. He is a good guy and someone you know that you can trust implicitly. I am really looking forward to it, it will be a lovely night.

“Problems are not the problem; coping is the problem.” Virginia Satir

2009-07-14T16:30:00.003+01:00

When things go wrong, when we lose control, some of us can tell ourselves that everything is fine. This then forces us to become something that we are not i.e. someone who is coping as opposed to someone who is struggling and this is when our (sometimes disastrous) coping mechanisms come into play.

For some, including myself, this is when self-destructive cycles show face. We do what we think will make us happy, we do what we think will fool people into thinking we are coping and sooner or later we realise that we are being completely untrue to ourselves.

Since moving to London I have slowly became I person that I hate. This must change because I am beginning to truly despise myself.

What the hell happened? And where exactly did I go so wrong? Two questions that I am pretty unsure of how to answer. One thing I am certain about is that the direction I’m heading must take a drastic 180-degree turn.

“Reason only controls individuals after emotion and impulse have lost their impetus”
Carlton Simon
I am too embarrassed and ashamed to go into depth about how much a mess I have become but I will admit that I have got into a horrible habit of drinking too much. Not to an alcoholic stage but a couple of drinks 4 or 5 days a week, going further than a couple of drinks on 1, sometimes 2 of those days.

“It is easier to cope with a bad conscience than with a bad reputation.”
Friedrich Nietzsche
It was Sunday’s hangover that made me really wake up to the fact that a change is needed, and quickly. From now on in, I am massively limiting my alcohol consumption, as it is when I am intoxicated (even if not to a great extent) I no longer listen to what my brain is telling me and instead go with what I think will do me good at the time.

It is a bit late now to fix all the bad decisions I have made and fix the opinions some people now have of me but from here on in I can and will change.

It wasn’t until moving to London that I realised to do not cope well with rejection and it has led me to gravitate towards people and habits, which do me no good what so ever – mentally, or physically.

“Telling the future by looking at the past assumes that conditions remain constant. This is like driving a car by looking in the rearview mirror.”
When people go off the rails I can’t help but think (if only for my own sanity) that it is important to focus on the present and the future rather than the past. We can shape our futures but we have no way of changing what actions we have taken in the past, we simply must learn our lessons and move on.

“Some of the best lessons we ever learn are learned from past mistakes. The error of the past is the wisdom and success of the future.”
This post has been far more honest than I originally planned it to be, but it seems that when trying to explain feeling untrue to yourself, it is simple contradiction to hide the truth from those you are confessing to.

My New Housemate

2009-07-03T19:17:00.002+01:00

Yes Mel - It is David ha ha! Don't be a hater ;)

Things That Drive Me Insane

2009-07-01T15:22:00.003+01:00

A list of 5 things that are driving me insane:

1) Colleagues who have made it their mission to piss you off by giving you work when it is not necessary
2) People who make plans of your behalf then get annoyed when you decline politely
3) Bosses who realise that you are working 70 hour weeks despite being incredibly stressed with family and your real job but still insist on making you feel useless because you can't work an extra 3 nights per week
4) Colleagues who think that your work isn't as important as theirs and that deadlines with national newspapers mean nothing in comparison to ensuring that a box is ticked in the right colour on a spreadsheet that means nothing to anyone except her anal self
5) Being treated like a piece of crap when you are working your hardest and running yourself into the ground everyday.

“It's not enough to be busy”

GAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH

RANT OVER.

"There are some ideas so wrong that only a very intelligent person could believe in them." George Orwell

2009-06-25T13:41:00.001+01:00

Life is pretty crazy isn't it?

Considering we are a pretty complex species... we are pretty damn useless at times. I mean this in the respect that we are completely unable to choose what we feel.

“Fear makes us feel our humanity.”
Benjamin Disraeli
What I have learnt from my relatively short time on earth is that we seem to be like bugs heading towards a brightly lit bug zapper. We know we shouldn't go there, we know its going to hurt and we know that is designed to mess us up pretty bad but hey... it looks so pretty! We ignore all the alarm bells in our head and continue to float cautiously towards that pretty light, wondering if maybe this time it isn't going hurt, maybe all the other bugs are wrong and actually this could be nothing but a pretty light... we get closer and closer.... then ZAP. Ouch.

We can block emotions for a limited time - but that's no use. As you well know I'm pretty damn good at hiding my true feelings, but why do I always go towards that dammit bug zapper.

“Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.”
I'm still pretty sure that I won't feel great until I face up to all the things I have been hiding from for so many years, but where to start? I have tried to face and fix them but to no avail. Another couple of years can't hurt can it?

Tomorrow I shall be heading up to visit my Dad, who is still in a really bad way. Spending time with him will be lovely, although there is a high chance that he won't know I'm there. I'm sure he'll get better, he is an incredibly strong man and I can't imagine the big guy would ever go down without a fight so I am determined to stay positive about the situation.

“There are two things a person should never be angry at, what they can help, and what they cannot.”
Sometimes I wonder when I changed from being a child to being an adult. When do the tides turn and the children begin to look after their parents. Not necessarily during illness, but during times of emotional stress as well. When do children become the friends rather than the kids. When do they become the carers rather than the dependents? I do not for one second grudge this, but the change happened so quickly!

In other news my personal life is a little less confusing these days... I know where I stand just now which makes a lovely change, although things are never easy over my side! It's not as though anything serious is going on just the usual... someone completely inappropriate. We both know that in reality it would never work. We do enjoy each others company and if circumstances were different, something good may have came of it, but too much about the situation is messy with too many repercussions. No change from the norm then!

"There are some ideas so wrong that only a very intelligent person could believe in them."

If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there" Lewis Carroll

2009-06-23T15:03:00.005+01:00

"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs"
Robin Williams
Things have changed for me, not to a great extent, but they have changed all the same. Things are tougher in many ways and also easier. I feel like i'm slowly but surely beginning to understand myself which is nice.

Things have went wrong on other levels:
My Dad is more ill than I have ever known anyone to be and I feel almost completely alone with this dilemma.I can't go to my mum for obvious divorced parents reasons etc etc

I'm staying positive about it and I genuinely feel positive but I have discovered that that seems to be one of my coping mechanisms. I feel fine, completely fine and get on with things as though everything is and has always been completely fine until it suddenly all hits at once.

`Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place"
The Red Queen, Through the Looking Glass
I'm sick of men, I have yet again been messed around, but as with the above, it'll all be fine.

On my way to work today I thought about the fact I hadn't blogged in ages and out of no-where, this little limerick came in to my head:

I can't keep blogging my rubbish,
I can't keep on talking my p*sh,
My head's in a bubble,
Surrounded by rubble,
And my preaching is all gibberish .
Not bad for a bus ride to Chiswick.

"Develop your eccentricities while you are young. That way, when you get old, people won't think you're going gaga."
David Ogilvy

When Women Rule the World

2009-06-04T17:04:00.003+01:00

“Sure God created man before woman, but then again you always make a rough draft before creating the final masterpiece.”

Is it just me, or are women seriously kicking ass in the music industry? Here are 10 amazing women that I'm loving right now.

1. Jesca Hoop
2. Speech Debelle
3. St Vincent
4. Emiliana Torrini
5. Lady Hawke
6. Terry Lynn
7. Lykke Li
8. Little Boots
9. Anya Marina
10. Blue Roses

I am pleased to say that I will have the privilege of working with 4 of the above in about 5 weeks. I am ridiculously excited.

10 Things I Love and Miss About Scotland

2009-05-19T13:36:00.002+01:00

The concept of 'Home is Where the Heart is' has concerned me over the past few weeks. I have realised that I am becoming more and more at home in London. Does that mean my heart is here?

I would find it very difficult to leave London, and I have not yet been here a year. I still miss Scotland and all things Scottish of course but these days they seem less important than they did before.

To remind myself of why I will always want to call Scotland home I have made a list of 10 things I love and miss about Scotland. When I first wrote these, they also acted as a relief to homesickness!

Scottish News

Newspapers are television are far less ‘British’ in Scotland. A fact I did not realise until living in London. The Scottish Parliament, the fish farms, Glasgow, Edinburgh - I miss it all being discussed (in a Scottish accent of course) It can be a struggle to relate to full UK politics as opposed to issues that affect your ‘local’ area.
Tip: Keep BBC Scotland website as home page. I have to keep up to date some how!

Scottish Football

Football is without a doubt Scotland’s national sport and the title race was often a talking point in conversation with my family. It is different now. I used to love going to the pub to watch the old firm matches. Down here it is all Irish bars and walking into a sea of green is more than a little daunting for ‘gers girl. The atmosphere that surrounds the sport in Scotland is very different to down south.
Tip: Keep up to date with what is going on with your team and persuade a neutral friend to come along and watch the game in a non ‘team themed’ bar!

Socialising

The comfy sofas in Beanscene – the high tables in the tree house – the uncomfortable benches in Wellies – the long sharp grass at Wellingston Square. I miss it all! Going places you recongise, with people you have known for years is comforting. It gives you a sense that everything is OK. Nothing is changing too 7803 1300quickly and you can deal with it. Suddenly everything becomes new when you leave and I found that particularly hard to deal with.
Tip: Get a regular coffee shop / pub / bench in one of London's gorgeous Royal Parks and pay attention to the new routines that you witness.

The Beach

Living by the coast is something you cannot truly appreciate until you are no longer there. Having lived by the coast my whole life I never realised how important it was to me. The long walks, watching the boats coming in, listening to seagulls and watching the sun set are all things I truly miss. There is something so calming about the sea that the Thames can simply not match.
Tip: Go to Chiswick and take a long walk west along strand on the green. Its gorgeous and semi-relaxing. Failing that, hop on a train to Brighton!

The Food

Who new Scottish food was so different from food in England? For one thing, no tattie scones or square sausage. (Rule number 1 – do NOT be fooled into buying spermarket square sausage in an English supermarket. It is awful!) Even restaurants are different! It could well be that they don’t fry everything as they do in Scotland. Either way… it is not the same.
Tip: Whenever you have friends or family coming to visit, encourage them to take the train and bring you a Scottish food parcel. Lovely! Failing that - make your own!

The Old Regular Haunts

The places I used to love going such as Ronaldo’s in Ayr for some new and exotic flavour of homemade ice-cream, or The West Kirk for burger and pint.
Tip: See above in Socialising! Also, find novelty places, such as cafes that specialise in chocolate ☺ treat yourself every once in a while.

Glass Bottles of Irn Bru

They don’t exist in England. You can buy cans in most shops (not in pubs or restaurants) but you cannot get a glass bottle and every Scottish person knows it tastes best out a glass bottle. It is my number one cure for a hangover and it is non-existent. Bad news!
Tip: As with Food – get friends and family to bring it to you!

General Courtesy

Everything from people saying sorry when they barge you on the street to complete strangers saying good morning on the streets. That doesn’t happen in London – not even in Chiswick!
Tip: Do as you would do in Scotland. Graciously apologies if you collide with someone. Thank people for holding doors, say hello to friendly looking people if you are the only two on the street. It makes them a little happier and you never know – they might follow your lead with the next person they see.

Live Music

The atmosphere at a gig! People say that the Scots are the best crowds in the world – I can see why now! The venues are amazing, the bars are cheaper, the sound is phenomenal and crowd are immensely supportive.
Tip: Go to small local band gigs. The band’s friends provide the same atmosphere in a far smaller level.

The Humour

Sarcasm is a permanent fixture in a Scot’s personality. Apparently it doesn’t work like that down here! I had to learn this the hard way!!!
Tip: Save it for when you visit Scotland.

"Its been a bad day baby I just don’t know" The Charlatans

2009-05-11T18:14:00.003+01:00

Contrary to what the title of this post suggests this is not the rant-type ramblings that have became all too common on this blog. No, not this time.

Things have changed, my situations have changed and it’s now time to say goodbye to the past and hello to all new things to come.

So here go all the updates:

Mr X and I are solely friends; I refuse completely to let anything else happen there. It is too painful and too confusing. We work as friends, not as anything more. Admittedly we don’t talk as much as we used to and I would be lying if I said this wasn’t upsetting but at the same time, it is far better like this than it would be if anything else were to happen.

He still confuses me, as much as ever but i’m all done there, no matter what happens now; we are friends and nothing more. My choice and one I am now comfortable with.

I am sticking to the single life. Focusing on work (god knows I have plenty to be getting on with) and focusing on getting myself back in gear.

On the subject of work, the enormity of what I have taken on has really hit me. It happened on Friday when a vital part of our team pulled out. Suddenly it dawned on me that even with this person on board, I am in big trouble. I am counting solely on my own determination to succeed and my need to prove myself within this organisation to get me through.

Everything is on my head at the moment and we are rapidly running out of time. (8 weeks today to be exact). I am working with an amazing team around me and I hope to god that it will come together.

I have been very good in keeping up running. My fitness as well as my mood is getting better everyday. Unfortunately this week I have come down with the cold meaning that I have had to take things very easy but I’ll be able to get back in action by next week I think.

All in all I feel that things are beginning to look up for me. I feel more in control of most areas of my life, other than work and family, (that is another blog post altogether!) but I think to myself that very few people are in control of these aspects. We can develop knowledge in both areas, but becoming expert enough in these subjects to be in control of them… that takes a whole different kind of person.

"What appears to be the end may really be a new beginning.”

2009-04-26T21:44:00.003+01:00

For me, the past three months have been nothing short of a rollercoaster ride. I have spent about two months wallowing in everything that is wrong with my life. I have been close to moving home and I have felt rejection, pain and more recently been hurt by someone I trusted with all my heart. I needed a night out, I needed to go out, have fun and not care about anything. That is exactly what I did.

I woke up this morning with a hangover that must have been brewed in hell and through my blearly eyes and pounding headache I realised that I simply can't do this to myself anymore. I am out of control and just a mess. I really am not cut of for dealing with anything like this.

When we reach points like this, we grasp for control. It's human nature. We do not like to not be in control of our actions and emotions so we resort to coping mechanisms. Mine are far from ideal.

This morning, through the payback from the night before, I tried to think positively, I tried to find something that made me excited and enthusiastic. I have decided to take up running.

There are many reasons that this is a horrible idea - for one my knees are a mess and I'm not allowed to run. For a second reason, I have a very addictive personality and I do not want to get back into over-exercising. Also, I'm short of money for proper running shoes and knee supports, and I am also very short of time...

Even with all of these reasons, I feel excited! I feel over the moon that I have a new ambition. I'm hoping to run a 5K by christmas and then if all goes according to plan and my knees hold up, I am planning on running the London marathon next year.

I have never been a runner and I really do not know what I'm letting myself in for - all I know is I need something new that I am in control of. I need a new way of feeling in control of my life. I hope running and training will provide that for me.

I have researched the best methods of taking up running and it seems that I have to go very very slowly. Start by walking briskly and running for 1 or 2 mins at a time but by using my schedule I should be able to run 5K in about 10 weeks.

Here goes nothing

“In the confusion we stay with each other, happy to be together, speaking without uttering a single word”

2009-04-06T15:44:00.002+01:00

“A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally.”
Oscar Wilde

I hate being wrong, I hate that I can't open my eyes to see the truth, I hate it that I can't even understand my own thoughts and feelings and that I'm ridiculous, with pretty much everything, I hate that I can't ever seek comfort and when I attempt to I get it all wrong, I go about it the wrong way, I make a mess of things, I ruin things.

Then again, I might not understand myself in the slightest, but I'll never be as bad as a man who can never make up their mind and seem to make it their mission to mess with your head

“Anger is just a cowardly extension of sadness. It's a lot easier to be angry at someone than it is to tell them you're hurt.”
Tom Gates

Even the nicest men mess with your head. Men you consider your best friends, or more. They always manage to get inside your head and have a good rake around until they find that exact spot - that tiny little button that when pushed, will send you over the edge. How are they programmed like that?

How are we programmed to accept that when we know we shouldn't

"I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all. " 10 Things I Hate About You

Why do I even care? *Screams and pulls out hair*

“Life is partly what we make it, and partly what it is made by the friends we choose.” - Tennessee Williams

2009-04-01T14:29:00.003+01:00

Sometimes you meet someone and while you don't realise it at the time, they have changed your life forever.

These people do not have to do anything extraordinary, they do not have to be blatant about it, it just happens, as natural as waking up in the morning. They make you see the world in a different way and open your eyes to all the little things that you have been trying to see for years.

When I moved to London I was lonely, and I retreated into myself. I never went out and I focused solely on work, then one sunny afternoon in walks a young couple, Fiona and her amazing boyfriend Stuart. Fiona is a smiley skinny little thing. A nurse by day, a party girl by night. She has an energy and a laugh that can bounce around any room and a personality far bigger than her tiny frame. I quickly discovered she was possibly the nicest girl I have ever met.

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
Carl Jung

We clicked instantly and ended up having a bit of a night out (understatement...) to which I was invited with Fiona and her lovely friends. By the next day, I knew. we were mates for life.

Last Sunday Fiona moved back to Australia and for me it felt like a horrific breakup. I tried to stay strong and not cry, but I didn't really succeed, I literally felt heartbroken. I cried for hours after she left and then braved a walk into town, where I proceeded to cry some more. It was as though I was grieving. I have lost such a lovely friend, one of the best friends I have ever had.

You know when you see these girly friendships on television or in a film and while they look fun and sweet it looks fake and almost pathetic... well that is the kind of friendship I had with Fiona. Sunday afternoons with a bottle of wine, Saturday mornings curled up under a duvet etc etc.

The ornament of a house is the friends who frequent it.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

It was strange because we never had big heart-to-heart conversations, I mean don't get me wrong we had chats but never about hopes or ambitions, or past regrets. If something was needing vented at the time, it always referred to the present. This of course did at times involve sharing tears - over men, over life. But the big in depth discussions friends usually have... there never seemed any need for them.

Fiona is one of those people who truly has a heart of gold and I miss her and will continue to miss her more than I ever thought possible.

Without a doubt one of the best friends I have ever had and our friendship has changed me for the better. I can not thank her enough for that. she taught me how to relax, how to live for the moment and how to embrace life and everything it gives you.

“Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget.”

Miss ya loads mate x

"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons." Woody Allen

2009-03-23T09:48:00.003Z

Money. I hate it. I always have hated it and I hate it even more when I have none!!!

London has provided me with a lot. Fact.
Two of London Livings' main offerings have been:

- A massive drop in wages
- An enormous rise in living costs

Not Fun.

At the moment I am trying to stomach a shortfall approximately £500 per month. Bugeting like crazy has got me through thus far but as my wages are monthly and my rent is every 4 weeks I will shortly be facing an extra £440 coming out of my account... that money is just simply not there.

I have got 8 weeks to make that £440 which is actually only £55 a week - £55 that I do not have and can't seem to find a way to get a hold of.

It has been incredibly tough living on the amount of money I'm living on and I try to think of it as an investment in the future.

This week my budget is as follow:

- Travel £10 (with the nicer weather coming in I will hopefully not use all
of this allowing it to be carried over to next week)
- Social Life £20 (this will allow for one small night out)
- Postage £10 (I have birthday presents and baby boxes to mail this
week... damn)
- Ciggies £30 (I know it is awful that these are my biggest expense
but it is my one luxury and I simply refuse not to have
them at the moment)

TOTAL SPEND for week beginning the 23rd of March = £70.

Anyone got any money making tips for me?

“There is no great achievement that is not the result of patient working and waiting.”

2009-03-19T16:34:00.000Z

“Every great work, every great accomplishment, has been brought into manifestation through holding to the vision, and often just before the big achievement comes apparent failure and discouragement”
Florence Scovel Shinn

Current State of Mind: N/A - My mind has gone.

At the moment my head is in a strange place. I don't feel comfortable - in anything really.

In work this new responsibility is really taking it out of me. I am working to the best of my ability (i think) and I still don't seem to be getting anywhere. It feels as though I am punching well above my weight. Which indeed I am. I feel as though I can't quite master the level of organisation and business brains (& balls) to succeed here. It is a genuinely terrifying feeling.

“High achievement always takes place in the framework of high expectation.”
Charles F. Kettering

Expectation for this project is extremely high - the event has to be bigger and better than last year, but with less money, less time and literally thousands of people waiting for a success - the pressure is enormous.

I don't feel comfortable in myself either. I really don't understand this. But as stated in an earlier post, when I feel out of control little things that used to bother me start bothering me again putting me in a complex situation. While this may seem bad there are up sides.

I work harder; I have no choice but to focus completely; I feel like I'm succeeding in something.

This issue with not being comfortable with myself at the moment means that I am more nervous than I should be about Irish coming to visit tomorrow. Excitement and fear at the same time do strange things to the brain! (Well... mine anyway!)

Part of me feel that with all of this I am just being a typical woman. For example (and explanation) when I was up north in Bonnie Scotland over the weekend I went for dinner with some friends and we got discussing women in the workplace. Someone stated that almost every woman they know is unable to take credit for anything and simply feel that they were 'lucky' getting to where they are. That is exactly how I feel and until last weekend I presumed that was alone in thinking this. Do we really unnecessary pressure on ourselves?

Not having masses of faith in my work makes me want it more. It makes me work harder and makes me want to prove myself. (This came from an incident with a music teacher in high school telling me I would never get anywhere in life.)

“It sometimes seems that intense desire creates not only its own opportunities, but its own talents.”
Eric Hoffer

If I want something bad enough, can I develop the talent required to succeed? While Mr Eric Hoffer was a fantastic writer, I'm not entirely convinced he knew what he was talking about...

“When in doubt, don't.” Benjamin Franklin

2009-03-05T16:24:00.004Z

I meant to write a blog entry last week when I was elated. I am sure it is not just me that gets tired of being negative. I much prefer being a positive 'happy-go-lucky' kind of person. Especially when so much is going well.

Is it just human nature that tell us when the majority of things are going well, we should focus on the few things that are going badly?

Anyway, I got sidetracked with philosophy!

Here is what happened last week:

In work as part of staff development we have annual reviews. I received mine on Friday the 27th and it went far better than I expected. I was told that I would be a 'great asset to any company' and that when dealing with a major crisis in the industry I worked with maturity and organisation beyond my years, and made life easier for the companies we work with. When someone hears this about themselves it is an amazing feeling. It's a boost, a sign that you're on the right track, a sign that your hard work is really paying off. I was immensely flattered.

Only a few days before that we had a committee meeting regarding one our annual events, a huge celebration of our sector. (I am learning to write very little about my profession as I'm aware that newspapers are currently scouring any site that mentions it to look for good stories and exclusives on events... sad? Yes. A pain in the backside? Most definitely.) It is a big deal and will hopefully be featuring some extremely high profile names.

“If you are lucky enough to find a way of life you love, you have to find the courage to live it.” Anon

In just over a month we will be employing an outside event manager to look after everything but in the mean time, they have given that job to me! I could not believe my luck. It is back to live music, back to what I know and adore. Back to what I am passionate about. However one week later... Ouch.

I am completely aware I'm punching well above my weight... I'm no longer dealing with acts on the Scottish circuit, but instead, internationally renowned acts. Acts which sell millions of albums and play the major festivals and are featured in Billboard, Q and Mojo. The acts that used to be stuck on my bedroom walls. I used to save up all of my pocket money to buy the latest release from these amazing human beings and now... I have no clue what I'm doing.

“Discouragement is not the absence of adequacy but the absence of courage.”

When I calm down and rationally consider that task, it does seem possible. It's not massively dissimilar to my own gigs. Instead of a £2000 budget, it is £20,000. Instead of paying the acts £500, its more like £10,000. Booking the acts doesn't really phase me, it's approaching the labels. I feel like a phony. I've blagged this. I'm a meer graduate coordinating a huge event. How is this even possible?

“Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt” William Shakespeare

I just have to get my head down and get on with it.

Everyone doubts themselves. I know that. I have to grow up and learn that this is how things are. If I want to succeed I have to stop waiting for people to tell me I'm doing a good job and just get on with it

“Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.” Andre Gide

“Men play the game; women know the score” Roger Woddis

2009-02-23T12:44:00.006Z

Men baffle me. I am truly bewildered as to how their minds work. Being the proactive person that I am, I have endeavored to discover more about the male mind, refusing to believe that an entire species can be both so complex and lets be honest... so simple at the same time.

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
Robin Williams
When I was in Scotland I was in an almost sickeningly happy relationship with the most sweet young man who promptly developed the bravery of a mouse when I realised I would have to relocate for work. This is fair as I could not ask him to commit when he clearly did not want to but I think I would have received a more pleasant reaction if I had told him I was radioactive. I may add here that this lovely young man is now seeing someone I used to babysit...

“When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.”
Elayne Boosler
After living in London for just over a month I met the lovely Mr X. We did and still do spend a lot of time together. We have kissed a couple of times but after discussing the situation we decided staying friends was the better option. This was ideal for me, having just came out of a relationship I certainly did not want another one, but I can say it was him who made the actual decision - basically he said the words "I think we're better as just friends". Marvelous. Now that is the kind of communication I find easy to understand and we have been great friends since.

So I then take up the invitation visit Irishman, a fantastic person who seems relatively easy to understand - other than the fact he is 30 and has never had a relationship that has lasted over 3 months, although I am aware he has had plenty of offers (alarm bells? No.) We have a fantastic weekend, he schedules a trip to see me and we chat every couple of days. Nothing serious, nothing full on, just enjoying each others company. Superb.

THEN after I have had one too many glasses of wine the lovely Mr X decides to say this to me: "actually, I think I have been a total eejit and that we should be together" and think to myself that its probably not the best time to say "erm, yeah I know your the loveliest person I have met since arriving in London and I know we have kissed a few times but I have an Irishman coming to see me".

“Men are like pumpkins. It seems like all the good ones are either taken or they've had everything scraped out of their heads with a spoon.”
Anon

I only want to be friends with Mr X, I have considered it and discussed it at length with a friend who also knows Mr X and is telling me that he will be very hurt when he finds out about Irish.

Men... I do not think I will ever understand the way their minds work

Give your stress wings and let it fly away. ~Carin Hartness

2009-02-20T11:52:00.003Z

Fridays. For me they are the small-town equivalent of the New Year. They give you the opportunity to put your week behind you and start focusing on something new.
This week, I welcome Friday with open arms!

“By Friday my brain is full, it hurts, and it has stopped functioning correctly since sometime last Wednsday. So, at that point, I don't want to think anymore, communicate clearly to anyone, or be nice anymore to anyone related to my job. It's possible that a four day work week would solve this problem.” Owen J. McClain

Tomorrow is my house-mate's birthday but as he is being treated to football match and then a pub crawl in East London, tonight we are celebrating in the house..

Stu has not been the most fortunate healthwise, infact - quite the opposite. For him a birthday is not simply another year older, it is another year that he is thankful for.

I read somewhere that the key to feeling better about yourself is to help others - I also think that this can be achieved by taking inspiration from those who have had a far worse time of it than ourselves. It allows us to get a glimpse of a happier and more fulfilled life where the simple things are what truly count. I love and respect Stu for this.

So, to follow on with the Friday feeling here are my plans for the next four weekends!

Week 1 My mum is coming to visit from Scotland.
I'm really excited about this. I've been very down for a while now and there is nothing like your mum when those moods take over you.

Week 2 Going to visit my Dad in the north of England.
I don't know how to feel about this. I really am looking forward to seeing him but I have only seen him four times in about 14 years... I would be lying if I said I was not nervous.

Week 3 - Going to Scotland.
My Grandpa will be turning 80! The whole family will be there and we're throwing a big party in his nursing home. I'm so looking forward to this.

Week 4 - Irish man is coming to visit.
My thoughts on this whole situation have changed quite dramatically. I'm no longer as excited as I was but I wont go into too much details here.

By this point, my house-mates Fiona and Stu will have moved out and back to Australia.

In the very short time I have known Fiona she has shown me that it is OK to take a break and relax for a while. Nowadays I'm living more of a party lifestyle than I did while at Uni where I worked my ass off, ran myself into the ground and didn't party anywhere near as much as the stereotypical student. And guess what... I'm really enjoying myself! Every weekend Fiona and I seem to head out with the intention of 1 bottle of wine... every weekend Fiona and I consume far more than 1 and end up in a state like this:

Never a pretty sight!

Even so I really appreciate this. I feel as though I'm having fun! Having a really great time and living life. I'm not too sure what I'll do when she leaves, but I know I'll be gutted.

So here is to Friday!

Times Like These - Foo Fighters

2009-02-11T15:37:00.000Z

The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.
Jean Kerr

I have always found that I am, in general a very lucky person. I really do count my blessings every single day and I am massively grateful for each and every one of them.

I'm just in one of those moods today. The moods that you sink into and nothing can really cheer you up.You have so many little things going on in the back your mind that it really messes with you. It was the same last night at work. I found myself snapping at a pub regular that I actually really like, for not much reason at all. I had an overwhelming desire to be alone. To sit by myself and just think. Try to process the thoughts I really no longer understand and work out what the hell I'm doing.

Don't get me wrong, I do not feel as though anything is conspiring against me. Its just a relatively short, yet particularly complex list of things that have happened in the last 6 or 7 years that every now and again come back to haunt me. Things that seem to have lost the ability to process properly.

I reckon its because i've never ACTUALLY dealt with them. I just smile and get on with it and eventually forget them, until at times like these when one by one they pop back up and kick me in the ass.

I should really sort myself out - once and for all.

“Music and rhythm find their way into the secret places of the soul” Plato

2009-02-06T14:56:00.002Z

So when I came back down from Manchester, I was sent with a great book in my hand. High Fidelity. I'd seen the film and i'd read the first part of the book and loved both. Paul was shocked and horrified that I hadn't read the whole book and decided to lend me his copy.

When I told him I had finished it, kindly volunteered to send me one... For fun and also for politeness I said I would send something back to him and decided on a compilation CD. Then I recalled the following quote...

"The making of a great compilation tape, like breaking up, is hard to do and takes ages longer than it might seem. You gotta kick off with a killer, to grab attention. Then you got to take it up a notch, but you don't wanna blow your wad, so then you got to cool it off a notch. There are a lot of rules." Nick Horby - High Fidelity

I have no idea what to put on the mix. Do I put the music I truly love? or do I put the music he will truly appreciate?

Music says so much about who we are, and about how we feel and I certainly do not want to give the wrong messages, or really too many of the right messages. Uh oh. I'm at a bit of a loss here.

We discuss music a lot and while our tastes both centre around the same music, we go off in completely different directions in the more 'alternative' (man, I hate that word) genres.

“Music does bring people together. It allows us to experience the same emotions. People everywhere are the same in heart and spirit.”

I want to make this mix a good one...

Action point for Melanie - Any ideas for tracks? You always seem to be good at this kind of thing.

“Unreal City, Under the fog of a winter dawn" T.S. Elliot

2009-02-05T09:10:00.005Z

I woke up on Monday morning with my Kiwi flatmate beside my bed jumping up and down with excitement saying that no one was going to work and that I shouldn't bother getting out of bed because over night over 12 inches of snow had landed on London.

Its amazing that something as simple and natural as snow can take us all from stressed out, workaholic caffeine addicts one minute to being excitable 7 year olds. (even when woken from blissful slumber). London had changed over night. It had changed from a busy, anti-social city, to a place very similar to my home village - people saying hello, children out playing with parents, building snowmen and enjoying each other's company.

10 years since my last snow day and I loved every minute of it! Snow ball fights, snow men, snow angels - hazelnut coffees, mulled wine. Amazing.

It really did top off the amazing weekend I spent in Manchester visiting a lovely man from Northern Ireland.

I had originally met Paul in November 2008 in very random circumstances. To cut a long story short(er) My parent were visiting and we were in the pub, Paul arrived with his friends, the only seats were beside us, we got chatting with him and his lovely friends. My parents left, Paul insisted I stay out, later he walked me to the bus stop and we kissed.

The next day he invited me out again and again we had a lovely time kissed and said goodbye. He left for Manchester.

I was invited to see him in Manchester and I VERY reluctantly said yes. Thank goodness I did. I had an amazing time and i'll hopefully be seeing him very soon. It was a weekend of lazy days, late nights and probably a little too much wine.

On the way back to London (by bus - euch) I felt my heart sink a little. After a great weekend this was the last place I wanted to be. Back to reality, back to work and further away from home.

Thankfully a snow day is great to lift anyones spirits!!

"Life doesn't get much more bizarre than a barmaid reading papers on copyright!"

2009-01-27T13:29:00.002Z

Between last night and today a lot has happened.

I may be becoming a licensee
For extra money I work in a lovely bar in the evenings and my manager has asked me to take a licensing course to become a licensee for the pub. More responsibility will equal more pay and with the economy the way it is, it seems that having extra bar qualifications could be very useful for when I lose my employment in September.

I got my first row from my boss.
I have a very good relationship with my boss. Yesterday she called me and I took down a quote from her to give to press officer for immediate release. The press officer wanted more information so didn't send it out - I got into trouble as it was for immediate release. Why does this not seem fair? I carried out the instructions and explained to press officer exactly what had to be done. It was not my choice that she did not act on it. (not keen on this situation)

I have a Government Relations mentor
A truly amazing woman that I work with on an almost daily basis has offered to mentor me in Government Relations to help me get head a little. She is also working with the company I want to work with eventually so I am hoping this contact could prove useful. She has sent me over a lot of copyright paperwork to read over and is available to answer any of my questions. (quote in title provided by her). She has also used the words "It's been a long time since i've seen someone as keen and dedicated as you" so that is really lovely.

I have to learn web stuff.
Anyone who knows me knows that me and technology are not good friends, yet I have to look after a website for a worldwide network.... It has not been updated since September and no one thought it would be a good idea to alert me that this was one of the company's responsibilities (never mind my personal responsibility). That should be erm... fun? Any help would be much appreciated.

I am turning into an accountant.
Second to my zero knowledge of web stuff is my knowledge of maths. I cannot count. I cannot calculate and calculators do not like me, yet while our lovely accountant is on holiday for a month - I'm doing his job as well as my own.

I am working in digital
(see web stuff) I am taking on another colleagues job for 2 weeks, which will mean a huge pay rise (only for 2 weeks) but it will be enough to pay for my summer holiday which I am very relieved about.

"The key to winning is poise under stress" Paul Brown

Finally - I didn't sleep again. Looking at the full list above, I am beginning to work out why.

O' The Puddin' Race

2009-01-26T16:11:00.002Z

Last night I treated Andrew and my Auzzie, and Kiwi housemates to a traditional Burn’s Supper. I added a Whisky sauce to keep it current.

Everyone seemed to enjoy it and after eating far too much and having a good chat over a glass of wine (and whisky, and Irn Bru…) everyone parted in merry spirits.

Then I went to bed – with me, the sure fire way of knowing that everything in my head isn’t quite right is when I go to bed exhausted and toss and turn all night with only the most meagre helping of sleep. Last night I received a grand total of 2 hours slumber and today both my body and brain feel drained.

To make myself feel better this morning I did the ‘love yourself stupid” thing. I got a little over dressed for work, spent a while on hair and makeup and left the house feeling pretty good about myself despite my sleep deprivation. I got a new hairstyle last week so played with that and added a little extra eye makeup and a bit of lippy, just for good luck.

It does help - It's like putting on the “I’m ok” mask. I have always had to ability to convince myself I’m completely fine when I’m actually not doing great. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not doing too bad just now either! I have so much to be thankful for – I’m going to remind myself with a little list –

I have a job that I love
I have lovely housemates,
I have amazing friends and even though we don’t always see each other, I know they are there
I have a family who are all in reasonable health
I will be going back up north in about 8 weeks,
I will be seeing my mum in about 4 weeks,
There are people down here who are looking out for me
I have all my limbs

All this has to be good news.

Maybe it’s because I feel a bit out of control again. Feeling out of control of certain areas of my life tends to make me revert to old habits and sink into myself which isn’t quite so good.

Well busy day in work today - System support in causing havok on the machines. I should go.

“If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies” Anon

2009-01-23T16:11:00.003Z

I feel like I should move onto another subject rather than just lack of social network a more positive part of my life - my career.

To sum up the past few years:

I love live music,
I started running gigs,
I started running tours,
I left uni and took my lovely little business seriously
It didn’t work out – I worked in the pharmacy (while still running the gigs)
I applied for a music business job and was offered it.
In 3 very short weeks I quit my job, left my company and got my ass to London.

Continuity gives us roots; change gives us branches, letting us stretch and grow and reach new heights. ~Pauline R. Kezer

Since working for this fantastic company, I have received more experience than I could have imagined and have been given far more responsibility than I wanted !

Since being here, my career aspirations have changed. I now want to work for a political organisation.

As a very politically minded person anyway and completely aware of how politics affects our everyday lives, I feel that I want to get right in there, and help ‘fix’ the music biz in some small, most likely pathetic kind of way!

I love my job, I love this company and I love it ‘style’. Yes, this company does definitely have style. I’m so proud to be a part of the company and I’m lucky in the respect that I am being given more responsibility every week.

I have went from working in Scottish live music scene to working in the UK recorded sector assisting in dealing with International and Legal. I am also CEO’s personal assistant that is far better than I could have imagined.

Alison (the CEO) is the person who provides the company with style. There is never any b*llsh*t with her, she never shows off, she really doesn’t care what people think of her or the company, but she genuinely cares about the independent music business and effortlessly deals with a massive work load and the pressure of her position as one of the very few high standing female experts in the sector. To top it all off, she a is truly lovely woman!

My job is great. No doubt about it. I am learning more everyday and gradually getting to grips with politics and the music business on a national and European level, which will hopefully assist me in getting another job in 8 months time when my contract here is finished.

Fingers crossed!!!

“Sir, the noblest prospect that a Scotchman ever sees, is the high road that leads him to London.” Samuel Johnson

2009-01-22T12:13:00.005Z

I was well aware throughout my time at university that if I wanted to get to heart of the music music business I would eventually have to move to London.

Not only that, I WANTED to come to London, and I was ready to give up my almost perfectly constructed life in Scotland and hit the ground running with my career.

“I came to London. It had become the center of my world and I had worked hard to come to it. And I was lost.”
V.S. Naipaul

London as a city has been everything I could have hoped for and more. In the average week you communicate with literally 100s of cultures, and I’m sure that the phrase “learn something new everyday” was coined in this mad, confusing and strangely formed city.

While I love London and wouldn’t change my situation for anything (well, OK, slight exaggeration) I have felt so lost. Not career-wise, just life-wise.

I have a small but lovely friendship group. This ‘group’ consists of two people; Andrew – a 2nd generation Scot, whose parents come from two towns very close to where I went to University – and Jacob, a boy who was born in London and raised with firm Polish traditions.

To make friends (and some much needed extra money), I took a second job in a pub, Pickwicks Wine Bar. Here I have met lovely people that I can chat to if I see them on the street, but no close friends that I could ring a go for a coffee with. (Something which has been very much part of my social life for the last few years.)

In Scotland, it would not be out of the ordinary for me to go for coffee with different friends 3 or 4 times a day. I've always found coffee shops the perfect places to catch up and gossip over a steaming hot latte and a berry muffin. I miss this more than anything.

My amazing Canadian friend Melanie and I used to have regular study breaks from Uni and head round to Beanscene, or to Costa and just rest, relax and let out the majority of our emotions – I say majority because I remember all emotions being aired, other than anger.

Here, there is no one to do this with. I go home from work and if Andrew and Jacob have plans; I sit in my house and idly watch TV. Bored.

I’m lucky enough that Andrew often takes pity on me and I now consider him one of my very good friends.

I feel like an intruder into his and Jacobs lives. I know that they don’t mind me spending time with them, but I know as soon as I leave them, they are back to the way they should be and I am certainly not a part of that.

I’m a very social person and this constant boredom is really getting me down. I miss my friends, my support network so terribly.

Without them around me, it's almost as though I don't have my proper identity. No-one here really knows me and I don't really see how I can ever expect them to understand me.

Things change - People change

2009-01-22T11:21:00.002Z

Well it has been a while.
I’m really not good at this blogging business but I feel that so much in my life is changing that I have a duty to myself to document at least a few of those changes.

In the past few months I have lived through countless of small personal changes:

Change of location to the amazing city of London;
Change of career to the recorded music business;
Change of career direction with the move from entrepreneurial to big business;
Change of relationship status due to the move to London;
Change in outlook on life – part living for the moment, part planning my move back to Scotland.

To name a few and believe me, I love change; I have always embraced change and generally find that I deal well with it.

I’ve coped fine with career change, not to bad with the relationship change and settled into a new city, but this time I have found there have been many consequences. The consequences are mainly on my thoughts of myself as well as on my outlook on life in general.

I’m not as tough as I like to think I am. I’m not as confident and I like to make people believe and I definitely have many skeletons that I go out of my way to hide from the world.

I feel that as well as documenting the changes in my life, blogging will help me to understand my feelings and myself a little better. Perhaps help me sort out my head and work out what’s bugging me.

So here goes….