Unfortunately that was my bed in northwest Scotland rather than in London. Leaving my house on Monday was difficult, it was as though for the short time I was there I slipped back into childhood and leaving was like walking away from it again, back into a world where everything seems to be crumbing.
Going home is a strange thing for me now. It conjures the old memories, which in is unpleasant to some extent, but at the same time, it is where I recognise everything, I know everyone and I feel cared for.
Memory is man's greatest friend and worst enemy.
I become a small child again - my Mum making me a cup of milky tea in the morning, looking out of the kitchen window and seeing a the hills, the chapel and the fields.
When someone is in their childhood bed, with the duvet wrapped all the way up to their face, nothing else can go wrong, they are unable to annoy people, and nobody can get to them. They are able to be alone with their thoughts, safe in the knowledge that if they leave their bedroom, family and friends will surround them. Nothing bad can happen there now. It is my truly peaceful place.
Childhood has no forebodings; but then, it is soothed by no memories of outlived sorrow.
Strangely enough, home usually evokes memories of Scott, but memories of when we were happy and I felt completely safe:
I am not mourning our relationship, but I do miss his friendship and admittedly I miss feeling as secure as I felt at the time this photo was taken.
While in London I am making a definite push to not discuss anything I have going on personally. I refuse to become known to everyone here as a misery guts. Some people know too much about me as it is and I cannot allow this to any further. My friends here are too precious to me – if I become a nightmare, there is a high chance I will lose their company.
Speaking of precious friends I’m going for dinner with a friend that I haven’t had a chance to catch up with for a while. It’ll be lovely. He is a good guy and someone you know that you can trust implicitly. I am really looking forward to it, it will be a lovely night.