Considering we are a pretty complex species... we are pretty damn useless at times. I mean this in the respect that we are completely unable to choose what we feel.
What I have learnt from my relatively short time on earth is that we seem to be like bugs heading towards a brightly lit bug zapper. We know we shouldn't go there, we know its going to hurt and we know that is designed to mess us up pretty bad but hey... it looks so pretty! We ignore all the alarm bells in our head and continue to float cautiously towards that pretty light, wondering if maybe this time it isn't going hurt, maybe all the other bugs are wrong and actually this could be nothing but a pretty light... we get closer and closer.... then ZAP. Ouch.
We can block emotions for a limited time - but that's no use. As you well know I'm pretty damn good at hiding my true feelings, but why do I always go towards that dammit bug zapper.
I'm still pretty sure that I won't feel great until I face up to all the things I have been hiding from for so many years, but where to start? I have tried to face and fix them but to no avail. Another couple of years can't hurt can it?
Tomorrow I shall be heading up to visit my Dad, who is still in a really bad way. Spending time with him will be lovely, although there is a high chance that he won't know I'm there. I'm sure he'll get better, he is an incredibly strong man and I can't imagine the big guy would ever go down without a fight so I am determined to stay positive about the situation.
Sometimes I wonder when I changed from being a child to being an adult. When do the tides turn and the children begin to look after their parents. Not necessarily during illness, but during times of emotional stress as well. When do children become the friends rather than the kids. When do they become the carers rather than the dependents? I do not for one second grudge this, but the change happened so quickly!
In other news my personal life is a little less confusing these days... I know where I stand just now which makes a lovely change, although things are never easy over my side! It's not as though anything serious is going on just the usual... someone completely inappropriate. We both know that in reality it would never work. We do enjoy each others company and if circumstances were different, something good may have came of it, but too much about the situation is messy with too many repercussions. No change from the norm then!