Caught in the middle

You know when you hear songs that seem to sum you up perfectly?

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why

I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down I know
I've got to let it go
And just enjoy the show

“Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.”

So everything with Mr Confusion was sorted out on Saturday.

Things have been a little on edge with us since my drunken disaster a few weeks ago (may I just say, I have been sober since ☺ ) when we had a very long and in-depth conversation that I could remember nothing of. On Wednesday we had a hug and a good chat and the air is now clear. Although I am still none the wiser as to what is happening with us… I’m confused… no, he’s confused… wait… what?

I’m sure that we decided to draw a line under ‘us’, however Mr Confusion appears to have changed his mind. I am not niaive, I am more than aware that he is well out of my reach and I simply put his behaviour down to having a few pints (although I was invited back to his place for ‘a drink’ and when I declined I received an extremely sweet good night phone call, which I won’t lie, I loved.) but yesterday, when Mr Confusion finished work, he sent me a text asking if I was around and would like to meet him for a drink, (considering he is a policeman, I doubt he was drinking on duty.) again I declined as I was in bed but we have agreed to see each other this evening. Hmm.

I could lie and say I’m smarter this time, and I’m not being drawn in, but that would be a lie. I am really looking forward to seeing him tonight. C’mon though – BUG ZAPPER.

What am I doing? I know I should just say no, and walk away from amazing, extremely handsome man now… but will I use my head and do that? No.

If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there" Lewis Carroll

"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs"
Robin Williams
Things have changed for me, not to a great extent, but they have changed all the same. Things are tougher in many ways and also easier. I feel like i'm slowly but surely beginning to understand myself which is nice.

Things have went wrong on other levels:
My Dad is more ill than I have ever known anyone to be and I feel almost completely alone with this dilemma.I can't go to my mum for obvious divorced parents reasons etc etc

I'm staying positive about it and I genuinely feel positive but I have discovered that that seems to be one of my coping mechanisms. I feel fine, completely fine and get on with things as though everything is and has always been completely fine until it suddenly all hits at once.

`Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place"
The Red Queen, Through the Looking Glass
I'm sick of men, I have yet again been messed around, but as with the above, it'll all be fine.

On my way to work today I thought about the fact I hadn't blogged in ages and out of no-where, this little limerick came in to my head:

I can't keep blogging my rubbish,
I can't keep on talking my p*sh,
My head's in a bubble,
Surrounded by rubble,
And my preaching is all gibberish .
Not bad for a bus ride to Chiswick.

"Develop your eccentricities while you are young. That way, when you get old, people won't think you're going gaga."
David Ogilvy

“Men play the game; women know the score” Roger Woddis

Men baffle me. I am truly bewildered as to how their minds work. Being the proactive person that I am, I have endeavored to discover more about the male mind, refusing to believe that an entire species can be both so complex and lets be honest... so simple at the same time.

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
Robin Williams
When I was in Scotland I was in an almost sickeningly happy relationship with the most sweet young man who promptly developed the bravery of a mouse when I realised I would have to relocate for work. This is fair as I could not ask him to commit when he clearly did not want to but I think I would have received a more pleasant reaction if I had told him I was radioactive. I may add here that this lovely young man is now seeing someone I used to babysit...

“When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.”
Elayne Boosler
After living in London for just over a month I met the lovely Mr X. We did and still do spend a lot of time together. We have kissed a couple of times but after discussing the situation we decided staying friends was the better option. This was ideal for me, having just came out of a relationship I certainly did not want another one, but I can say it was him who made the actual decision - basically he said the words "I think we're better as just friends". Marvelous. Now that is the kind of communication I find easy to understand and we have been great friends since.

So I then take up the invitation visit Irishman, a fantastic person who seems relatively easy to understand - other than the fact he is 30 and has never had a relationship that has lasted over 3 months, although I am aware he has had plenty of offers (alarm bells? No.) We have a fantastic weekend, he schedules a trip to see me and we chat every couple of days. Nothing serious, nothing full on, just enjoying each others company. Superb.

THEN after I have had one too many glasses of wine the lovely Mr X decides to say this to me: "actually, I think I have been a total eejit and that we should be together" and think to myself that its probably not the best time to say "erm, yeah I know your the loveliest person I have met since arriving in London and I know we have kissed a few times but I have an Irishman coming to see me".

“Men are like pumpkins. It seems like all the good ones are either taken or they've had everything scraped out of their heads with a spoon.”
Anon

I only want to be friends with Mr X, I have considered it and discussed it at length with a friend who also knows Mr X and is telling me that he will be very hurt when he finds out about Irish.

Men... I do not think I will ever understand the way their minds work