"Its been a bad day baby I just don’t know" The Charlatans

Contrary to what the title of this post suggests this is not the rant-type ramblings that have became all too common on this blog. No, not this time.

Things have changed, my situations have changed and it’s now time to say goodbye to the past and hello to all new things to come.

So here go all the updates:

Mr X and I are solely friends; I refuse completely to let anything else happen there. It is too painful and too confusing. We work as friends, not as anything more. Admittedly we don’t talk as much as we used to and I would be lying if I said this wasn’t upsetting but at the same time, it is far better like this than it would be if anything else were to happen.

He still confuses me, as much as ever but i’m all done there, no matter what happens now; we are friends and nothing more. My choice and one I am now comfortable with.

I am sticking to the single life. Focusing on work (god knows I have plenty to be getting on with) and focusing on getting myself back in gear.

On the subject of work, the enormity of what I have taken on has really hit me. It happened on Friday when a vital part of our team pulled out. Suddenly it dawned on me that even with this person on board, I am in big trouble. I am counting solely on my own determination to succeed and my need to prove myself within this organisation to get me through.

Everything is on my head at the moment and we are rapidly running out of time. (8 weeks today to be exact). I am working with an amazing team around me and I hope to god that it will come together.

I have been very good in keeping up running. My fitness as well as my mood is getting better everyday. Unfortunately this week I have come down with the cold meaning that I have had to take things very easy but I’ll be able to get back in action by next week I think.

All in all I feel that things are beginning to look up for me. I feel more in control of most areas of my life, other than work and family, (that is another blog post altogether!) but I think to myself that very few people are in control of these aspects. We can develop knowledge in both areas, but becoming expert enough in these subjects to be in control of them… that takes a whole different kind of person.

"What appears to be the end may really be a new beginning.”

For me, the past three months have been nothing short of a rollercoaster ride. I have spent about two months wallowing in everything that is wrong with my life. I have been close to moving home and I have felt rejection, pain and more recently been hurt by someone I trusted with all my heart. I needed a night out, I needed to go out, have fun and not care about anything. That is exactly what I did.

I woke up this morning with a hangover that must have been brewed in hell and through my blearly eyes and pounding headache I realised that I simply can't do this to myself anymore. I am out of control and just a mess. I really am not cut of for dealing with anything like this.

When we reach points like this, we grasp for control. It's human nature. We do not like to not be in control of our actions and emotions so we resort to coping mechanisms. Mine are far from ideal.

This morning, through the payback from the night before, I tried to think positively, I tried to find something that made me excited and enthusiastic. I have decided to take up running.

There are many reasons that this is a horrible idea - for one my knees are a mess and I'm not allowed to run. For a second reason, I have a very addictive personality and I do not want to get back into over-exercising. Also, I'm short of money for proper running shoes and knee supports, and I am also very short of time...

Even with all of these reasons, I feel excited! I feel over the moon that I have a new ambition. I'm hoping to run a 5K by christmas and then if all goes according to plan and my knees hold up, I am planning on running the London marathon next year.

I have never been a runner and I really do not know what I'm letting myself in for - all I know is I need something new that I am in control of. I need a new way of feeling in control of my life. I hope running and training will provide that for me.

I have researched the best methods of taking up running and it seems that I have to go very very slowly. Start by walking briskly and running for 1 or 2 mins at a time but by using my schedule I should be able to run 5K in about 10 weeks.

Here goes nothing