Preparing for a date.... Logistical Nightmare?

Tonight I am going on a date with a lovely Italian man and I feel (in this order):

• Nervous
• Excited
• Happy
  
• Cautious
  
• Vulnerable
  

The added pressure of the evening include the fact that most people in the damn town seems to know one or both of us thanks to our jobs. Can you imagine being on a date and having people you know coming over to chat and ask awkward questions? Bad News! This makes the venue choice is a bit of a mission.

1. Meet at 8 and go for a drink a gorgeous wine bar (none of my customers, lots of his!)
2. Head off to a unknown location for dinner (he is choosing venue and I've been warned that there will be none of his customers but some of mine)
3. Go for a drink in a lovely bar at the river. (Possibly frequents by our customers but unlikely)
   

On top of this I have the usual stressful crazy date preparation to get through!

My Date Preparation (up to and inc. tonight):

• Consider outfit and realise I have nothing remotely suitable in my wardrobe
• Rush out to buy some gorgeous black trousers that I 100% cannot afford
  
• Give my self a facial

- 1 Day before

• Pluck eyebrows
• Exfoliate
• Try on outfit and realise the gorgeous new trousers are too big.
  
• Panic and run over all the bad men I have ever met in my life before convincing myself that Mr Italian is not like any of them.
  

- Day of Date (morning)

• Set out the suitable parts of my outfit for quick change later
• Set out a contingency outfit
  
• Rush out before work to change the trousers for a better fitting pair
• Arrive late and flustered in to work and proceed through my day more stressed than necessary
  

- Day of Date (p.m. - 1 hour to get home, ready and back out)

• Have a super quick shower (I am great at these!) - max 5 mins
  
• Jump into my outfit (that now hopefully fits!) - max 5 mins
  
• Blow dry, straighten and back comb my hair - 25 mins
• Start Make up, natural but flattering - 10 mins
• Run for the bus which will inevitably be late - 10mins
• Continue Make Up while on the bus - 5 - 10 mins
• Run up the High Road - 5 mins
  
• Arrive looking windswept and no doubt awful with a big smile (fashionably 5 -10 minutes late)
  

So here goes, hopefully it will be a good night - I think it will - I hope it will! Wow, how stressful is dating? Shoud it really be this tough?

"There are some ideas so wrong that only a very intelligent person could believe in them." George Orwell

Life is pretty crazy isn't it?

Considering we are a pretty complex species... we are pretty damn useless at times. I mean this in the respect that we are completely unable to choose what we feel.

“Fear makes us feel our humanity.”
Benjamin Disraeli
What I have learnt from my relatively short time on earth is that we seem to be like bugs heading towards a brightly lit bug zapper. We know we shouldn't go there, we know its going to hurt and we know that is designed to mess us up pretty bad but hey... it looks so pretty! We ignore all the alarm bells in our head and continue to float cautiously towards that pretty light, wondering if maybe this time it isn't going hurt, maybe all the other bugs are wrong and actually this could be nothing but a pretty light... we get closer and closer.... then ZAP. Ouch.

We can block emotions for a limited time - but that's no use. As you well know I'm pretty damn good at hiding my true feelings, but why do I always go towards that dammit bug zapper.

“Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.”
I'm still pretty sure that I won't feel great until I face up to all the things I have been hiding from for so many years, but where to start? I have tried to face and fix them but to no avail. Another couple of years can't hurt can it?

Tomorrow I shall be heading up to visit my Dad, who is still in a really bad way. Spending time with him will be lovely, although there is a high chance that he won't know I'm there. I'm sure he'll get better, he is an incredibly strong man and I can't imagine the big guy would ever go down without a fight so I am determined to stay positive about the situation.

“There are two things a person should never be angry at, what they can help, and what they cannot.”
Sometimes I wonder when I changed from being a child to being an adult. When do the tides turn and the children begin to look after their parents. Not necessarily during illness, but during times of emotional stress as well. When do children become the friends rather than the kids. When do they become the carers rather than the dependents? I do not for one second grudge this, but the change happened so quickly!

In other news my personal life is a little less confusing these days... I know where I stand just now which makes a lovely change, although things are never easy over my side! It's not as though anything serious is going on just the usual... someone completely inappropriate. We both know that in reality it would never work. We do enjoy each others company and if circumstances were different, something good may have came of it, but too much about the situation is messy with too many repercussions. No change from the norm then!

"There are some ideas so wrong that only a very intelligent person could believe in them."

Times Like These - Foo Fighters

The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.
Jean Kerr

I have always found that I am, in general a very lucky person. I really do count my blessings every single day and I am massively grateful for each and every one of them.

I'm just in one of those moods today. The moods that you sink into and nothing can really cheer you up.You have so many little things going on in the back your mind that it really messes with you. It was the same last night at work. I found myself snapping at a pub regular that I actually really like, for not much reason at all. I had an overwhelming desire to be alone. To sit by myself and just think. Try to process the thoughts I really no longer understand and work out what the hell I'm doing.

Don't get me wrong, I do not feel as though anything is conspiring against me. Its just a relatively short, yet particularly complex list of things that have happened in the last 6 or 7 years that every now and again come back to haunt me. Things that seem to have lost the ability to process properly.

I reckon its because i've never ACTUALLY dealt with them. I just smile and get on with it and eventually forget them, until at times like these when one by one they pop back up and kick me in the ass.

I should really sort myself out - once and for all.