Preparing for a date.... Logistical Nightmare?

Tonight I am going on a date with a lovely Italian man and I feel (in this order):

• Nervous
• Excited
• Happy
  
• Cautious
  
• Vulnerable
  

The added pressure of the evening include the fact that most people in the damn town seems to know one or both of us thanks to our jobs. Can you imagine being on a date and having people you know coming over to chat and ask awkward questions? Bad News! This makes the venue choice is a bit of a mission.

1. Meet at 8 and go for a drink a gorgeous wine bar (none of my customers, lots of his!)
2. Head off to a unknown location for dinner (he is choosing venue and I've been warned that there will be none of his customers but some of mine)
3. Go for a drink in a lovely bar at the river. (Possibly frequents by our customers but unlikely)
   

On top of this I have the usual stressful crazy date preparation to get through!

My Date Preparation (up to and inc. tonight):

• Consider outfit and realise I have nothing remotely suitable in my wardrobe
• Rush out to buy some gorgeous black trousers that I 100% cannot afford
  
• Give my self a facial

- 1 Day before

• Pluck eyebrows
• Exfoliate
• Try on outfit and realise the gorgeous new trousers are too big.
  
• Panic and run over all the bad men I have ever met in my life before convincing myself that Mr Italian is not like any of them.
  

- Day of Date (morning)

• Set out the suitable parts of my outfit for quick change later
• Set out a contingency outfit
  
• Rush out before work to change the trousers for a better fitting pair
• Arrive late and flustered in to work and proceed through my day more stressed than necessary
  

- Day of Date (p.m. - 1 hour to get home, ready and back out)

• Have a super quick shower (I am great at these!) - max 5 mins
  
• Jump into my outfit (that now hopefully fits!) - max 5 mins
  
• Blow dry, straighten and back comb my hair - 25 mins
• Start Make up, natural but flattering - 10 mins
• Run for the bus which will inevitably be late - 10mins
• Continue Make Up while on the bus - 5 - 10 mins
• Run up the High Road - 5 mins
  
• Arrive looking windswept and no doubt awful with a big smile (fashionably 5 -10 minutes late)
  

So here goes, hopefully it will be a good night - I think it will - I hope it will! Wow, how stressful is dating? Shoud it really be this tough?

Counting My Blessings...

I listened to the most beautiful piece of music a couple of days ago, "A song for all seasons" from the album Hymns & Hers by the amazing Oliver Schroer. I was introduced to Oliver's music and his story by his fantastic publicist and close friend Jane Harbury while working in Toronto for the summer. Oliver was diagnosed with leukemia which then progressed to terminal, and not once did he lose courage. listening to his track made me go and look over his old mail-outs to his thousands of fans across the world.

"We all have to die some time. None of us will live on this planet forever. I think some people live very intensely and burn very brightly during their time here. I think I am one of those people. A shining star while I am here. So I look at my life as I have lived it, and I feel very satisfied with all I have achieved and gone through. As a musician and artist I have found my voice on my instrument of choice. "
(Oliver Schroer 08/04/08)

After re-reading Oliver's emails it made me realise that we should all be counting out blessings, we should make an effort each day to remind ourselves of everything that we are thankful for so as I am short of time at the moment, here are the first 5 blessings that pop into my head:

1. I finally feel comfortable in my job. I am now permanent and feel like I am able to cope at the moment. I am being challenged every day and loving every minute of it. I wake up in the morning and look forward to going to work.
2. My re-location to London has all in all been a success. I may not have much money. but I have a great place to stay, great housemates and I am in a great location.
3. I still have all my amazing friends in Scotland and a great place to go home to.
4. Over the years I have been lucky enough to make many friends who have either gone on to live overseas, or who have returned to their home countries. I get to look forward to seeing them again as well as a great excuse to travel!
5. Many opportunities have came my way. Whether it be through going to University, or travelling, or being able to follow my ambitions and dreams. I am gradually working my way through my 43 Things list and it feels fantastic!
   
   

It feels good to do that! It makes me smile to realise that I am actually an incredibly lucky person. Yeah, bad things happen, so what? Things aren't always great, so what? No one said life would be easy, and we must make the most of all we have and enjoy every minute we have!

"I do want to encourage you, that when you do stuff, and get into projects in life, make sure you have the maximum amount of fun and satisfaction you can have. Don’t settle for just a bit of fun. You might have heard the saying ‘More is less’. Well, that only applies sometimes. Often, more really is more. And when it comes to getting satisfaction from creative projects you are involved with, you can bet that more is more, so grab the moment and make the moment big."
Oliver Schroer (8/4/08)

Tips / Advice for Relocating to London

This morning I found a To Do list that I had written upon my arrival in London and over it brightened up my day, as the top 10 things on my list… the top 10 things I considered important to me, I have completed. It has reminded me that I actually have achieved a lot since coming to London. I have done a lot, and it has not been a complete disaster.

London is an amazing city and I would highly recommend it to anyone. It is a fantastic place to live (unless you live central… ) but I thought I would write my top tips when moving to a big city.

- Pick a nice area to live
Do your research! Like all cities, London has its good areas and bad areas… You do not want to live in a bad area of town – it takes away your freedom! But then again, a very good area of town is going to be mega pricey. I chose to move to Acton – typically a rough neighbourhood but the area I live in is closer to Chiswick a middle class area and therefore I get the best of both worlds, a relatively cheap (by London standards) place to live and close to a lovely area (if a little too posh) I haven’t had any trouble whatsoever! And it has almost been a year!

- Find some great friends
Easier said than done in this city! Everyone is very concentrated on their own lives and will not look twice at you unless you make the effort first. But then they are very wary of this. I made friends through my second job and I wouldn’t change them for the world. A great mix of people - I love them all! Or use meetup.com
(yes I am aware that the photo is awful!)

- Discover the ‘countrified’ things in your area
In London people are so bogged down in city life, they tend to want to be in the country. Therefore there are many farmers markets, gorgeous park spaces, canal / riverside cafes and bars etc. It really eases the stress of the city and works whether you are alone, or with a great bunch of friends.

- Have a regular place
If you head to the same café at the same time every few days, you will tend to see the same people, meaning that you become a familiar face and then if you can, work up the courage to speak to them… another way of making new friends.
My place of work became my regular haunt... meaning I made mad friends, like the madman in this picture! :)

- Know what is 'close' by you
All of a sudden you have moved from somewhere that everything was familiar to a strange urban wilderness which at first can seem daunting… but if you need out of the city for a while, be aware of how close you are to so many other places! Head to Kings Cross / St Pancras and take the Eurostar to Paris for a couple of days. Or jump on a train to Brighton for the sea air, or even head to Bath or Bristol… it is all close at hand now!

- Learn to love the tube
By far the easiest mode of transport. But learning to love the people barging into you, or the 5 people squashing you on a packed tube at rush hour is far more difficult. Develop a thick skin and deal with it. If need be barge back… or say something! Believe, they sh*t themselves.

- After a while find yourself a lovely partner in crime
Whether that be a friend that you meet that you instantly never want to lose or a special man / woman.
Someone to share great things with, and someone to lend a shoulder to cry on when you are feeling down or homesick. I was lucky enough to find a great friend in Fiona… not so much luck on the man front… for a massive city with such a diverse population – I have had zero luck with men - Massively attracted to a man who is both inappropriate and emotionally unavailable… typical!


Like I said, London is a great city, I would go as far as to say London is the best city in the world! (That I have visited) This is probably due to the great friends and the great experience I have had.

Reading my list earlier today made me realise that while moving here and starting a new life has been difficult and while things have been mad the past couple of month, I have made the right decision. Moving to London was worth it and I love it!

Now the stressful things just have to ease up a bit and all will be well in my world :)

“Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.”

So everything with Mr Confusion was sorted out on Saturday.

Things have been a little on edge with us since my drunken disaster a few weeks ago (may I just say, I have been sober since ☺ ) when we had a very long and in-depth conversation that I could remember nothing of. On Wednesday we had a hug and a good chat and the air is now clear. Although I am still none the wiser as to what is happening with us… I’m confused… no, he’s confused… wait… what?

I’m sure that we decided to draw a line under ‘us’, however Mr Confusion appears to have changed his mind. I am not niaive, I am more than aware that he is well out of my reach and I simply put his behaviour down to having a few pints (although I was invited back to his place for ‘a drink’ and when I declined I received an extremely sweet good night phone call, which I won’t lie, I loved.) but yesterday, when Mr Confusion finished work, he sent me a text asking if I was around and would like to meet him for a drink, (considering he is a policeman, I doubt he was drinking on duty.) again I declined as I was in bed but we have agreed to see each other this evening. Hmm.

I could lie and say I’m smarter this time, and I’m not being drawn in, but that would be a lie. I am really looking forward to seeing him tonight. C’mon though – BUG ZAPPER.

What am I doing? I know I should just say no, and walk away from amazing, extremely handsome man now… but will I use my head and do that? No.

My New Housemate

Yes Mel - It is David ha ha! Don't be a hater ;)

"Its been a bad day baby I just don’t know" The Charlatans

Contrary to what the title of this post suggests this is not the rant-type ramblings that have became all too common on this blog. No, not this time.

Things have changed, my situations have changed and it’s now time to say goodbye to the past and hello to all new things to come.

So here go all the updates:

Mr X and I are solely friends; I refuse completely to let anything else happen there. It is too painful and too confusing. We work as friends, not as anything more. Admittedly we don’t talk as much as we used to and I would be lying if I said this wasn’t upsetting but at the same time, it is far better like this than it would be if anything else were to happen.

He still confuses me, as much as ever but i’m all done there, no matter what happens now; we are friends and nothing more. My choice and one I am now comfortable with.

I am sticking to the single life. Focusing on work (god knows I have plenty to be getting on with) and focusing on getting myself back in gear.

On the subject of work, the enormity of what I have taken on has really hit me. It happened on Friday when a vital part of our team pulled out. Suddenly it dawned on me that even with this person on board, I am in big trouble. I am counting solely on my own determination to succeed and my need to prove myself within this organisation to get me through.

Everything is on my head at the moment and we are rapidly running out of time. (8 weeks today to be exact). I am working with an amazing team around me and I hope to god that it will come together.

I have been very good in keeping up running. My fitness as well as my mood is getting better everyday. Unfortunately this week I have come down with the cold meaning that I have had to take things very easy but I’ll be able to get back in action by next week I think.

All in all I feel that things are beginning to look up for me. I feel more in control of most areas of my life, other than work and family, (that is another blog post altogether!) but I think to myself that very few people are in control of these aspects. We can develop knowledge in both areas, but becoming expert enough in these subjects to be in control of them… that takes a whole different kind of person.

“Life is partly what we make it, and partly what it is made by the friends we choose.” - Tennessee Williams

Sometimes you meet someone and while you don't realise it at the time, they have changed your life forever.

These people do not have to do anything extraordinary, they do not have to be blatant about it, it just happens, as natural as waking up in the morning. They make you see the world in a different way and open your eyes to all the little things that you have been trying to see for years.

When I moved to London I was lonely, and I retreated into myself. I never went out and I focused solely on work, then one sunny afternoon in walks a young couple, Fiona and her amazing boyfriend Stuart. Fiona is a smiley skinny little thing. A nurse by day, a party girl by night. She has an energy and a laugh that can bounce around any room and a personality far bigger than her tiny frame. I quickly discovered she was possibly the nicest girl I have ever met.

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.
Carl Jung

We clicked instantly and ended up having a bit of a night out (understatement...) to which I was invited with Fiona and her lovely friends. By the next day, I knew. we were mates for life.

Last Sunday Fiona moved back to Australia and for me it felt like a horrific breakup. I tried to stay strong and not cry, but I didn't really succeed, I literally felt heartbroken. I cried for hours after she left and then braved a walk into town, where I proceeded to cry some more. It was as though I was grieving. I have lost such a lovely friend, one of the best friends I have ever had.



You know when you see these girly friendships on television or in a film and while they look fun and sweet it looks fake and almost pathetic... well that is the kind of friendship I had with Fiona. Sunday afternoons with a bottle of wine, Saturday mornings curled up under a duvet etc etc.

The ornament of a house is the friends who frequent it.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

It was strange because we never had big heart-to-heart conversations, I mean don't get me wrong we had chats but never about hopes or ambitions, or past regrets. If something was needing vented at the time, it always referred to the present. This of course did at times involve sharing tears - over men, over life. But the big in depth discussions friends usually have... there never seemed any need for them.

Fiona is one of those people who truly has a heart of gold and I miss her and will continue to miss her more than I ever thought possible.

Without a doubt one of the best friends I have ever had and our friendship has changed me for the better. I can not thank her enough for that. she taught me how to relax, how to live for the moment and how to embrace life and everything it gives you.

“Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave, and impossible to forget.”

Miss ya loads mate x

"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons." Woody Allen

Money. I hate it. I always have hated it and I hate it even more when I have none!!!

London has provided me with a lot. Fact.
Two of London Livings' main offerings have been:

- A massive drop in wages
- An enormous rise in living costs

Not Fun.

At the moment I am trying to stomach a shortfall approximately £500 per month. Bugeting like crazy has got me through thus far but as my wages are monthly and my rent is every 4 weeks I will shortly be facing an extra £440 coming out of my account... that money is just simply not there.

I have got 8 weeks to make that £440 which is actually only £55 a week - £55 that I do not have and can't seem to find a way to get a hold of.

It has been incredibly tough living on the amount of money I'm living on and I try to think of it as an investment in the future.

This week my budget is as follow:

- Travel £10 (with the nicer weather coming in I will hopefully not use all
of this allowing it to be carried over to next week)
- Social Life £20 (this will allow for one small night out)
- Postage £10 (I have birthday presents and baby boxes to mail this
week... damn)
- Ciggies £30 (I know it is awful that these are my biggest expense
but it is my one luxury and I simply refuse not to have
them at the moment)


TOTAL SPEND for week beginning the 23rd of March = £70.

Anyone got any money making tips for me?

Give your stress wings and let it fly away. ~Carin Hartness

Fridays. For me they are the small-town equivalent of the New Year. They give you the opportunity to put your week behind you and start focusing on something new.
This week, I welcome Friday with open arms!

“By Friday my brain is full, it hurts, and it has stopped functioning correctly since sometime last Wednsday. So, at that point, I don't want to think anymore, communicate clearly to anyone, or be nice anymore to anyone related to my job. It's possible that a four day work week would solve this problem.” Owen J. McClain

Tomorrow is my house-mate's birthday but as he is being treated to football match and then a pub crawl in East London, tonight we are celebrating in the house..

Stu has not been the most fortunate healthwise, infact - quite the opposite. For him a birthday is not simply another year older, it is another year that he is thankful for.

I read somewhere that the key to feeling better about yourself is to help others - I also think that this can be achieved by taking inspiration from those who have had a far worse time of it than ourselves. It allows us to get a glimpse of a happier and more fulfilled life where the simple things are what truly count. I love and respect Stu for this.

So, to follow on with the Friday feeling here are my plans for the next four weekends!

Week 1 My mum is coming to visit from Scotland.
I'm really excited about this. I've been very down for a while now and there is nothing like your mum when those moods take over you.

Week 2 Going to visit my Dad in the north of England.
I don't know how to feel about this. I really am looking forward to seeing him but I have only seen him four times in about 14 years... I would be lying if I said I was not nervous.

Week 3 - Going to Scotland.
My Grandpa will be turning 80! The whole family will be there and we're throwing a big party in his nursing home. I'm so looking forward to this.

Week 4 - Irish man is coming to visit.
My thoughts on this whole situation have changed quite dramatically. I'm no longer as excited as I was but I wont go into too much details here.

By this point, my house-mates Fiona and Stu will have moved out and back to Australia.

In the very short time I have known Fiona she has shown me that it is OK to take a break and relax for a while. Nowadays I'm living more of a party lifestyle than I did while at Uni where I worked my ass off, ran myself into the ground and didn't party anywhere near as much as the stereotypical student. And guess what... I'm really enjoying myself! Every weekend Fiona and I seem to head out with the intention of 1 bottle of wine... every weekend Fiona and I consume far more than 1 and end up in a state like this:



Never a pretty sight!

Even so I really appreciate this. I feel as though I'm having fun! Having a really great time and living life. I'm not too sure what I'll do when she leaves, but I know I'll be gutted.

So here is to Friday!

“Unreal City, Under the fog of a winter dawn" T.S. Elliot

I woke up on Monday morning with my Kiwi flatmate beside my bed jumping up and down with excitement saying that no one was going to work and that I shouldn't bother getting out of bed because over night over 12 inches of snow had landed on London.

Its amazing that something as simple and natural as snow can take us all from stressed out, workaholic caffeine addicts one minute to being excitable 7 year olds. (even when woken from blissful slumber). London had changed over night. It had changed from a busy, anti-social city, to a place very similar to my home village - people saying hello, children out playing with parents, building snowmen and enjoying each other's company.



10 years since my last snow day and I loved every minute of it! Snow ball fights, snow men, snow angels - hazelnut coffees, mulled wine. Amazing.

It really did top off the amazing weekend I spent in Manchester visiting a lovely man from Northern Ireland.

I had originally met Paul in November 2008 in very random circumstances. To cut a long story short(er) My parent were visiting and we were in the pub, Paul arrived with his friends, the only seats were beside us, we got chatting with him and his lovely friends. My parents left, Paul insisted I stay out, later he walked me to the bus stop and we kissed.

The next day he invited me out again and again we had a lovely time kissed and said goodbye. He left for Manchester.

I was invited to see him in Manchester and I VERY reluctantly said yes. Thank goodness I did. I had an amazing time and i'll hopefully be seeing him very soon. It was a weekend of lazy days, late nights and probably a little too much wine.

On the way back to London (by bus - euch) I felt my heart sink a little. After a great weekend this was the last place I wanted to be. Back to reality, back to work and further away from home.

Thankfully a snow day is great to lift anyones spirits!!

“If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies” Anon

I feel like I should move onto another subject rather than just lack of social network a more positive part of my life - my career.

To sum up the past few years:

• I love live music,
• I started running gigs,
• I started running tours,
• I left uni and took my lovely little business seriously
• It didn’t work out – I worked in the pharmacy (while still running the gigs)
• I applied for a music business job and was offered it.
• In 3 very short weeks I quit my job, left my company and got my ass to London.

Continuity gives us roots; change gives us branches, letting us stretch and grow and reach new heights. ~Pauline R. Kezer

Since working for this fantastic company, I have received more experience than I could have imagined and have been given far more responsibility than I wanted !

Since being here, my career aspirations have changed. I now want to work for a political organisation.

As a very politically minded person anyway and completely aware of how politics affects our everyday lives, I feel that I want to get right in there, and help ‘fix’ the music biz in some small, most likely pathetic kind of way!

I love my job, I love this company and I love it ‘style’. Yes, this company does definitely have style. I’m so proud to be a part of the company and I’m lucky in the respect that I am being given more responsibility every week.

I have went from working in Scottish live music scene to working in the UK recorded sector assisting in dealing with International and Legal. I am also CEO’s personal assistant that is far better than I could have imagined.

Alison (the CEO) is the person who provides the company with style. There is never any b*llsh*t with her, she never shows off, she really doesn’t care what people think of her or the company, but she genuinely cares about the independent music business and effortlessly deals with a massive work load and the pressure of her position as one of the very few high standing female experts in the sector. To top it all off, she a is truly lovely woman!

My job is great. No doubt about it. I am learning more everyday and gradually getting to grips with politics and the music business on a national and European level, which will hopefully assist me in getting another job in 8 months time when my contract here is finished.

Fingers crossed!!!

“Sir, the noblest prospect that a Scotchman ever sees, is the high road that leads him to London.” Samuel Johnson

I was well aware throughout my time at university that if I wanted to get to heart of the music music business I would eventually have to move to London.

Not only that, I WANTED to come to London, and I was ready to give up my almost perfectly constructed life in Scotland and hit the ground running with my career.

“I came to London. It had become the center of my world and I had worked hard to come to it. And I was lost.”
V.S. Naipaul

London as a city has been everything I could have hoped for and more. In the average week you communicate with literally 100s of cultures, and I’m sure that the phrase “learn something new everyday” was coined in this mad, confusing and strangely formed city.

While I love London and wouldn’t change my situation for anything (well, OK, slight exaggeration) I have felt so lost. Not career-wise, just life-wise.

I have a small but lovely friendship group. This ‘group’ consists of two people; Andrew – a 2nd generation Scot, whose parents come from two towns very close to where I went to University – and Jacob, a boy who was born in London and raised with firm Polish traditions.

To make friends (and some much needed extra money), I took a second job in a pub, Pickwicks Wine Bar. Here I have met lovely people that I can chat to if I see them on the street, but no close friends that I could ring a go for a coffee with. (Something which has been very much part of my social life for the last few years.)

In Scotland, it would not be out of the ordinary for me to go for coffee with different friends 3 or 4 times a day. I've always found coffee shops the perfect places to catch up and gossip over a steaming hot latte and a berry muffin. I miss this more than anything.

My amazing Canadian friend Melanie and I used to have regular study breaks from Uni and head round to Beanscene, or to Costa and just rest, relax and let out the majority of our emotions – I say majority because I remember all emotions being aired, other than anger.

Here, there is no one to do this with. I go home from work and if Andrew and Jacob have plans; I sit in my house and idly watch TV. Bored.

I’m lucky enough that Andrew often takes pity on me and I now consider him one of my very good friends.

I feel like an intruder into his and Jacobs lives. I know that they don’t mind me spending time with them, but I know as soon as I leave them, they are back to the way they should be and I am certainly not a part of that.

I’m a very social person and this constant boredom is really getting me down. I miss my friends, my support network so terribly.

Without them around me, it's almost as though I don't have my proper identity. No-one here really knows me and I don't really see how I can ever expect them to understand me.

Things change - People change

Well it has been a while.
I’m really not good at this blogging business but I feel that so much in my life is changing that I have a duty to myself to document at least a few of those changes.

In the past few months I have lived through countless of small personal changes:

Change of location to the amazing city of London;
Change of career to the recorded music business;
Change of career direction with the move from entrepreneurial to big business;
Change of relationship status due to the move to London;
Change in outlook on life – part living for the moment, part planning my move back to Scotland.

To name a few and believe me, I love change; I have always embraced change and generally find that I deal well with it.

I’ve coped fine with career change, not to bad with the relationship change and settled into a new city, but this time I have found there have been many consequences. The consequences are mainly on my thoughts of myself as well as on my outlook on life in general.

I’m not as tough as I like to think I am. I’m not as confident and I like to make people believe and I definitely have many skeletons that I go out of my way to hide from the world.

I feel that as well as documenting the changes in my life, blogging will help me to understand my feelings and myself a little better. Perhaps help me sort out my head and work out what’s bugging me.

So here goes….