Catching Up is Hard to Do

The Future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of sixty minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is.C.S. Lewis

Trying to catch up on the past eight months is not do-able for the time being, however here are 10 points, in no particular order, to bring me back up to speed.

1) Home
I now live with the lovely man in the post prior to this one. He is as ever, incredible. Some cracks are beginning to show (i.e. he can't cook, clean and enjoys partying a bit much for me) but all in all, he is great and everything is going well.

2) Career
Late last year I was offered a job by a fantastic digital distribution company. Now three months in, I'm happy and getting used to a whole new side of the music industry. It wasn't the easiest move and I miss my old colleagues more than I expected to but my new colleagues are [mostly] great and this is a great experience. the main benefit of this situation is, I don't have to work 70 hours a week anymore!!!

3) Babies
My gorgeous little sister is pregnant. Oh dear. She is 17 and has her whole life infront of her. I can't say i'm over-the-moon about the situation but credit where it is due, she is one of the most clued up people I know and is showing a maturity beyong her years. I don't doubt for a second that she will be a fantastic Mum.

4) Travels
I was lucky enough to get to go to Cannes at the end of January for work. We went for a trade show and while it was busy and there were far too many meetings to be had, it's hard to complain when you are on the French riviera outside a bar soaking up the sun while talking numbers! It was an incredible place. Almost unreal. Everyone looked as though they had stepped off a catwalk, beer was 16euros and it wasn't uncommon to spend 40euro on a gin and tonic. Thank god for expenses!

5) Hanson
Yes... The "kids that sang Mmmbop". Well they are still going strong and I was over the moon to finally get to meet them. I've followed their musical career for the last 14 years and it was a pleasure to discover that they were just as lovely and pleasant as they have always seemed. Now, how to work with them? Hmm. The frustrating thing is, is that I was in with a chance of working with the band, however there are others after them too. I KNOW I would do better job than anyone else on this. There aren't many people in the industry who know the catalogue, the fans, target market and of course the values inside out the way I do. But how to convince them of that without sounding like a crazed fan?

6) Grandpa
One of the most upsetting and heartbreaking experiences of my life, was losing my Grandpa. He passed away peacefully late last year and honestly, I have never felt pain like it. I still miss him and still think I see him and do a double take when I see some elderly man in London. I don't think he ever even visited this city! Just wishful thinking.. R.I.P Grandpa, you will be missed forever.

7) Dad

Still ill, still ungrateful, still complaining, still pretty much useless. He has perked up a little bit now that is due to become a Grandpa himself. Maybe he will take this chance to man up and be the person he can and should be? fingers crossed!!

8) Pets
I have now got a hamster... named Hammond. That's about all I can say on this subject.

9) Weight
I have managed to gain approximately 45lbs in the last 8months. That's not cool... nor comfortable. It's either thanks to contentment... or takeaways.

10) Mum
Myself and my Mum have never been very open with oneanother. As Mothers go, she was amazing, however she has never really known much about me, including some major life changing experiences. We have agreed to go on a holiday together at the end of this month to spend time with each other and perhaps get to know each other better. i'm not overly enthusiastic, there is just too much to tell, but nonetheless, it's lovely that we are both making the effort.

So there we go, that's 10 facts from the past year which brings me back to present day.

What have I missed?

GA X

"That's Why You Turn & Run"

Here is a bit of background on the character that will shortly become the subject of my anger and frustration fueled rant...

3 ex wives
3 years in prison
2 daughters (1 to his second wife, 1 to his third)
1 is 15 and until last weekend the two had never met
1 amazing partner who bends over backwards to look after him
5 strokes in 2 years
4 month hospital stay
3 Spinal operations
0 thanks for all people do for him

Getting back in touch with a 'Father' after seven years of wondering what might have been is nothing short of amazing. The 'child' is full of anticipation and excitement about meeting someone who will pleased to see them, someone who 'should' have been by their side for years. The excitement becomes short lived a Mum warns that this man would promise me the world and deliver on nothing. Thank goodness I was warned.

Thankfully I have never required him to be there as a Father figure... I always had an amazing Dad in my life, my mums husband who is more than I could have hoped for.

My gorgeous little sister is in a different situation. For the past seven or eight year she has coped remarkably well without her Dad and is a strong and switched on young lady, however, she has now has the heartbreak of losing her mother leaving no parental influence in her life. This amazing young lady has got back in touch with my Dad in an attempt to feel like she belongs to a family... unfortunately my Dad is possibly the least reliable man on the planet

“The sudden disappointment of a hope leaves a scar which the ultimate fulfillment of that hope never entirely removes.”
Thomas Hardy

He does not deserve her love, he does not even deserve mine for all he has done in his life. We have both given him a second chance (or in my case 5th or 6th chance) and he couldn't appreciate it less. I do not need him... she does.

People like this will never change, we all know it although at times it would be nice if they were at least grateful for what they have, for the people they have around them who will keep forgiving, those who are looking after them when they are ill, backing them up when they are stuck in a tight spot but no... they won't. People like this truly believe they are entitled to what they have. They remain adamant that nothing is their fault. They do not admit to anything, they have no integrity and no sense of responsibility. They will happily take take take for their entire lives without ever learning the word "give."

At some point the people who look out for them, the people that have their back, will give up. They will leave the offending man's life forever and not even consider looking back.

Rant Over.

A Childhood Away

15 years… a lot can happen in 15 years.

A child can get receive their full education in that time. Including Primary School, High School and then University.

In 15 years a bump in a Mother’s tummy can go from nothing more than a cause for great excitement to becoming a beautiful, happy and strong young woman.

That first child can wait 15 years to meet what she knew as the bump in a Mother’s tummy. She can spend years asking about what the baby will look like now, she can remember each year that the little bump will be getting older. She can count down the years until she feels that little bump will be old enough for her to make contact… then after 15 years of waiting, a full 15 years of anticipation… that bump that is her beautiful little sister can suddenly come into her life and everything automatically fits into place. Everything feels right!

My gorgeous sister (left) with her best friend (right)

That’s correct folks, I have waited 15 years to meet my ‘baby’ sister and now in past week I have discovered where she is, had an amazing phone conversation with her, and have received at least one SMS everyday since Wednesday. In only six short weeks, I will be meeting her for the first time.

"In the cookies of life, sisters are the chocolate chips"

I could not be more excited! I feel so incredibly lucky and blessed.

Thank you lord!

Counting My Blessings...

I listened to the most beautiful piece of music a couple of days ago, "A song for all seasons" from the album Hymns & Hers by the amazing Oliver Schroer. I was introduced to Oliver's music and his story by his fantastic publicist and close friend Jane Harbury while working in Toronto for the summer. Oliver was diagnosed with leukemia which then progressed to terminal, and not once did he lose courage. listening to his track made me go and look over his old mail-outs to his thousands of fans across the world.

"We all have to die some time. None of us will live on this planet forever. I think some people live very intensely and burn very brightly during their time here. I think I am one of those people. A shining star while I am here. So I look at my life as I have lived it, and I feel very satisfied with all I have achieved and gone through. As a musician and artist I have found my voice on my instrument of choice. "
(Oliver Schroer 08/04/08)

After re-reading Oliver's emails it made me realise that we should all be counting out blessings, we should make an effort each day to remind ourselves of everything that we are thankful for so as I am short of time at the moment, here are the first 5 blessings that pop into my head:

1. I finally feel comfortable in my job. I am now permanent and feel like I am able to cope at the moment. I am being challenged every day and loving every minute of it. I wake up in the morning and look forward to going to work.
2. My re-location to London has all in all been a success. I may not have much money. but I have a great place to stay, great housemates and I am in a great location.
3. I still have all my amazing friends in Scotland and a great place to go home to.
4. Over the years I have been lucky enough to make many friends who have either gone on to live overseas, or who have returned to their home countries. I get to look forward to seeing them again as well as a great excuse to travel!
5. Many opportunities have came my way. Whether it be through going to University, or travelling, or being able to follow my ambitions and dreams. I am gradually working my way through my 43 Things list and it feels fantastic!
   
   

It feels good to do that! It makes me smile to realise that I am actually an incredibly lucky person. Yeah, bad things happen, so what? Things aren't always great, so what? No one said life would be easy, and we must make the most of all we have and enjoy every minute we have!

"I do want to encourage you, that when you do stuff, and get into projects in life, make sure you have the maximum amount of fun and satisfaction you can have. Don’t settle for just a bit of fun. You might have heard the saying ‘More is less’. Well, that only applies sometimes. Often, more really is more. And when it comes to getting satisfaction from creative projects you are involved with, you can bet that more is more, so grab the moment and make the moment big."
Oliver Schroer (8/4/08)

"There are some ideas so wrong that only a very intelligent person could believe in them." George Orwell

Life is pretty crazy isn't it?

Considering we are a pretty complex species... we are pretty damn useless at times. I mean this in the respect that we are completely unable to choose what we feel.

“Fear makes us feel our humanity.”
Benjamin Disraeli
What I have learnt from my relatively short time on earth is that we seem to be like bugs heading towards a brightly lit bug zapper. We know we shouldn't go there, we know its going to hurt and we know that is designed to mess us up pretty bad but hey... it looks so pretty! We ignore all the alarm bells in our head and continue to float cautiously towards that pretty light, wondering if maybe this time it isn't going hurt, maybe all the other bugs are wrong and actually this could be nothing but a pretty light... we get closer and closer.... then ZAP. Ouch.

We can block emotions for a limited time - but that's no use. As you well know I'm pretty damn good at hiding my true feelings, but why do I always go towards that dammit bug zapper.

“Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.”
I'm still pretty sure that I won't feel great until I face up to all the things I have been hiding from for so many years, but where to start? I have tried to face and fix them but to no avail. Another couple of years can't hurt can it?

Tomorrow I shall be heading up to visit my Dad, who is still in a really bad way. Spending time with him will be lovely, although there is a high chance that he won't know I'm there. I'm sure he'll get better, he is an incredibly strong man and I can't imagine the big guy would ever go down without a fight so I am determined to stay positive about the situation.

“There are two things a person should never be angry at, what they can help, and what they cannot.”
Sometimes I wonder when I changed from being a child to being an adult. When do the tides turn and the children begin to look after their parents. Not necessarily during illness, but during times of emotional stress as well. When do children become the friends rather than the kids. When do they become the carers rather than the dependents? I do not for one second grudge this, but the change happened so quickly!

In other news my personal life is a little less confusing these days... I know where I stand just now which makes a lovely change, although things are never easy over my side! It's not as though anything serious is going on just the usual... someone completely inappropriate. We both know that in reality it would never work. We do enjoy each others company and if circumstances were different, something good may have came of it, but too much about the situation is messy with too many repercussions. No change from the norm then!

"There are some ideas so wrong that only a very intelligent person could believe in them."