Telling yourself you told you so...?

Currently Playing: Dream On - Christian Falk feat Robyn. (My fantasyland song)

Knowing that you were both right and wrong proves both upsetting and strangely comforting. You discover that the negative pessimistic side of you was correct, while the positive, hopeful and optimistic side of you is left to go and sulk in a corner. The problem is, each time the positive side disappears to a corner, it takes longer and longer to lure it back out.

So TH turned out to be a rat and not just a normal rat, but a super rat. He put so much effort in to acting like something that he clearly is not that I almost pity him.

When we are played so badly, we kick ourselves, we know that we should have known it was too perfect. We should have known that while it temporarily appeared we were living in a 1930s romance novel we would come round and realse it was actually a modern day trashy read of the typical boy screws over girl story... but who doesn't want to feel amazing?

I am so grateful to my negative / pessimistic side right now. It has kept TH at arms left and kept me safe - people like him can't hurt me. Not any more.

You won't be pushed or messed with tonight
you won't be lied to, ruffed up tonight
You won't be insane, paranoid, obsessed
aimlessly wandering through the dark night
(Christian Falk - Dream On)

It is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust

Current Mindset : Happy / Smiley
Current Song: Such Great Heights: The Postal Service

Would someone who was going to 'zap' you do the following:

Plan the first date,
Be the first to call
Be the first to text
Plan the second date
Provide the wine
Cut out of newspaper clipping that mentions a bar he thinks would be fun to go to together.
Suggest going on a drive to the South Coast just for a nice pub lunch and a long walk
Suggest going to the club he works in occasionally because he think you'd like the cocktails

"Trust that little voice in your head that says “Wouldn’t it be interesting if..”; And then do it."

TH seems to be able to read me... a bit too well. He looked at me yesterday and just understood... he said "you don't know what to make of me do you?" I thought it was only fair to respond in an honest answer.... "no". He smiled and gave me a hug and said "I can tell you think I'm a player, and I would love the chance to prove you wrong."

For me, giving this beautiful man a chance is a risk, and it feels like one. However the hour glass in my head has been turned and no matter how positive I may act or try to be, I feel that I am now on a time limit. This is not any fault of TH I just simply do not trust myself. I do not trust my judgment and I do not trust that I will not say or do something ridiculous that will immediately ruin everything.

One must be fond of people and trust them if one is not to make a mess of life.

“Attraction is not a Choice.” David DeAngelo

TH and me are going on a date tomorrow evening....

Couldn't really be much more nervous but at the same time I am ridiculously excited. I also hate myself for being so convinced that this one feels different. Everything about it is different.

"Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose"
Tom Krause

While that may be true I cannot fool myself into thinking the outcome will be any variation to the norm.

Bug Zapper

Beautiful Disaster

Have you ever met someone for the first time and your first thought was “wow!”

That happened to me on Wednesday. Well no, it happened before I actually met the person we will call TH.

My week was a mess, with organising a terrifying work event that featured a live band. The record company were providing the sound engineer and only the day before the event, I discovered they had forgotten to book one. TH was the only recommendation I had so I cold-called him. This man could not have been more amazing. Incredibly helpful and sweet and even willing to change his plans to allow him to work at the event, I could not wait to meet him.

By 7:30pm on the day of the event the guests were piling in, everything was crazy and I thought my head would burst. I was briefing the door staff on the guest list when in walked the most beautiful man. I instantly knew it was TH. In person he was even more lovely than on the phone and oh so attractive.

"Intuition is the clear conception of the whole at once."
Johann Kaspar Lavater

The night as a whole was mad but a big success. I had very little time to speak to TH but anytime I asked for his help (I admittedly looked for reasons to talk to him) he was more than happy to help and so his manner was so calming and sweet.

The following day I sent him an email providing him with invoice details and to say thank you. Rather than returning my email, he sent me a text saying what a pleasure it was to meet me and that he hopes we see each other again.

This couldn’t be more of a disaster… Judging by my track record, I now have approximately two weeks before he never speaks to me again.

"Experience is the best teacher, but a fool will learn from no other."
Benjamin Franklin

“When in doubt, don't.” Benjamin Franklin

I meant to write a blog entry last week when I was elated. I am sure it is not just me that gets tired of being negative. I much prefer being a positive 'happy-go-lucky' kind of person. Especially when so much is going well.

Is it just human nature that tell us when the majority of things are going well, we should focus on the few things that are going badly?

Anyway, I got sidetracked with philosophy!

Here is what happened last week:

In work as part of staff development we have annual reviews. I received mine on Friday the 27th and it went far better than I expected. I was told that I would be a 'great asset to any company' and that when dealing with a major crisis in the industry I worked with maturity and organisation beyond my years, and made life easier for the companies we work with. When someone hears this about themselves it is an amazing feeling. It's a boost, a sign that you're on the right track, a sign that your hard work is really paying off. I was immensely flattered.

Only a few days before that we had a committee meeting regarding one our annual events, a huge celebration of our sector. (I am learning to write very little about my profession as I'm aware that newspapers are currently scouring any site that mentions it to look for good stories and exclusives on events... sad? Yes. A pain in the backside? Most definitely.) It is a big deal and will hopefully be featuring some extremely high profile names.

“If you are lucky enough to find a way of life you love, you have to find the courage to live it.” Anon

In just over a month we will be employing an outside event manager to look after everything but in the mean time, they have given that job to me! I could not believe my luck. It is back to live music, back to what I know and adore. Back to what I am passionate about. However one week later... Ouch.

I am completely aware I'm punching well above my weight... I'm no longer dealing with acts on the Scottish circuit, but instead, internationally renowned acts. Acts which sell millions of albums and play the major festivals and are featured in Billboard, Q and Mojo. The acts that used to be stuck on my bedroom walls. I used to save up all of my pocket money to buy the latest release from these amazing human beings and now... I have no clue what I'm doing.

“Discouragement is not the absence of adequacy but the absence of courage.”

When I calm down and rationally consider that task, it does seem possible. It's not massively dissimilar to my own gigs. Instead of a £2000 budget, it is £20,000. Instead of paying the acts £500, its more like £10,000. Booking the acts doesn't really phase me, it's approaching the labels. I feel like a phony. I've blagged this. I'm a meer graduate coordinating a huge event. How is this even possible?

“Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt” William Shakespeare

I just have to get my head down and get on with it.

Everyone doubts themselves. I know that. I have to grow up and learn that this is how things are. If I want to succeed I have to stop waiting for people to tell me I'm doing a good job and just get on with it

“Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.” Andre Gide