Catching Up is Hard to Do

The Future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of sixty minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is.C.S. Lewis

Trying to catch up on the past eight months is not do-able for the time being, however here are 10 points, in no particular order, to bring me back up to speed.

1) Home
I now live with the lovely man in the post prior to this one. He is as ever, incredible. Some cracks are beginning to show (i.e. he can't cook, clean and enjoys partying a bit much for me) but all in all, he is great and everything is going well.

2) Career
Late last year I was offered a job by a fantastic digital distribution company. Now three months in, I'm happy and getting used to a whole new side of the music industry. It wasn't the easiest move and I miss my old colleagues more than I expected to but my new colleagues are [mostly] great and this is a great experience. the main benefit of this situation is, I don't have to work 70 hours a week anymore!!!

3) Babies
My gorgeous little sister is pregnant. Oh dear. She is 17 and has her whole life infront of her. I can't say i'm over-the-moon about the situation but credit where it is due, she is one of the most clued up people I know and is showing a maturity beyong her years. I don't doubt for a second that she will be a fantastic Mum.

4) Travels
I was lucky enough to get to go to Cannes at the end of January for work. We went for a trade show and while it was busy and there were far too many meetings to be had, it's hard to complain when you are on the French riviera outside a bar soaking up the sun while talking numbers! It was an incredible place. Almost unreal. Everyone looked as though they had stepped off a catwalk, beer was 16euros and it wasn't uncommon to spend 40euro on a gin and tonic. Thank god for expenses!

5) Hanson
Yes... The "kids that sang Mmmbop". Well they are still going strong and I was over the moon to finally get to meet them. I've followed their musical career for the last 14 years and it was a pleasure to discover that they were just as lovely and pleasant as they have always seemed. Now, how to work with them? Hmm. The frustrating thing is, is that I was in with a chance of working with the band, however there are others after them too. I KNOW I would do better job than anyone else on this. There aren't many people in the industry who know the catalogue, the fans, target market and of course the values inside out the way I do. But how to convince them of that without sounding like a crazed fan?

6) Grandpa
One of the most upsetting and heartbreaking experiences of my life, was losing my Grandpa. He passed away peacefully late last year and honestly, I have never felt pain like it. I still miss him and still think I see him and do a double take when I see some elderly man in London. I don't think he ever even visited this city! Just wishful thinking.. R.I.P Grandpa, you will be missed forever.

7) Dad

Still ill, still ungrateful, still complaining, still pretty much useless. He has perked up a little bit now that is due to become a Grandpa himself. Maybe he will take this chance to man up and be the person he can and should be? fingers crossed!!

8) Pets
I have now got a hamster... named Hammond. That's about all I can say on this subject.

9) Weight
I have managed to gain approximately 45lbs in the last 8months. That's not cool... nor comfortable. It's either thanks to contentment... or takeaways.

10) Mum
Myself and my Mum have never been very open with oneanother. As Mothers go, she was amazing, however she has never really known much about me, including some major life changing experiences. We have agreed to go on a holiday together at the end of this month to spend time with each other and perhaps get to know each other better. i'm not overly enthusiastic, there is just too much to tell, but nonetheless, it's lovely that we are both making the effort.

So there we go, that's 10 facts from the past year which brings me back to present day.

What have I missed?

GA X

Telling yourself you told you so...?

Currently Playing: Dream On - Christian Falk feat Robyn. (My fantasyland song)

Knowing that you were both right and wrong proves both upsetting and strangely comforting. You discover that the negative pessimistic side of you was correct, while the positive, hopeful and optimistic side of you is left to go and sulk in a corner. The problem is, each time the positive side disappears to a corner, it takes longer and longer to lure it back out.

So TH turned out to be a rat and not just a normal rat, but a super rat. He put so much effort in to acting like something that he clearly is not that I almost pity him.

When we are played so badly, we kick ourselves, we know that we should have known it was too perfect. We should have known that while it temporarily appeared we were living in a 1930s romance novel we would come round and realse it was actually a modern day trashy read of the typical boy screws over girl story... but who doesn't want to feel amazing?

I am so grateful to my negative / pessimistic side right now. It has kept TH at arms left and kept me safe - people like him can't hurt me. Not any more.

You won't be pushed or messed with tonight
you won't be lied to, ruffed up tonight
You won't be insane, paranoid, obsessed
aimlessly wandering through the dark night
(Christian Falk - Dream On)

It is better to suffer wrong than to do it, and happier to be sometimes cheated than not to trust

Current Mindset : Happy / Smiley
Current Song: Such Great Heights: The Postal Service

Would someone who was going to 'zap' you do the following:

Plan the first date,
Be the first to call
Be the first to text
Plan the second date
Provide the wine
Cut out of newspaper clipping that mentions a bar he thinks would be fun to go to together.
Suggest going on a drive to the South Coast just for a nice pub lunch and a long walk
Suggest going to the club he works in occasionally because he think you'd like the cocktails

"Trust that little voice in your head that says “Wouldn’t it be interesting if..”; And then do it."

TH seems to be able to read me... a bit too well. He looked at me yesterday and just understood... he said "you don't know what to make of me do you?" I thought it was only fair to respond in an honest answer.... "no". He smiled and gave me a hug and said "I can tell you think I'm a player, and I would love the chance to prove you wrong."

For me, giving this beautiful man a chance is a risk, and it feels like one. However the hour glass in my head has been turned and no matter how positive I may act or try to be, I feel that I am now on a time limit. This is not any fault of TH I just simply do not trust myself. I do not trust my judgment and I do not trust that I will not say or do something ridiculous that will immediately ruin everything.

One must be fond of people and trust them if one is not to make a mess of life.

Trusting yourself if twice as hard as trusting others...

If someone breaks your trust, you know it's their fault and therefore it is not a confusing and overly hurtful situation, however if you trust yourself you are the one to blame when everything goes wrong.

What do you do when you can see the bug zapper and you know it will probably end up the same as it does every other time, but there is a tiny niggle that says maybe, just maybe this one will work out differently.

If this one is nothing but a bug zapper... he is doing a great job of disguising himself as prince charming. (Is charming the key word here?)

“Attraction is not a Choice.” David DeAngelo

TH and me are going on a date tomorrow evening....

Couldn't really be much more nervous but at the same time I am ridiculously excited. I also hate myself for being so convinced that this one feels different. Everything about it is different.

"Courage is the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose"
Tom Krause

While that may be true I cannot fool myself into thinking the outcome will be any variation to the norm.

Bug Zapper

Beautiful Disaster

Have you ever met someone for the first time and your first thought was “wow!”

That happened to me on Wednesday. Well no, it happened before I actually met the person we will call TH.

My week was a mess, with organising a terrifying work event that featured a live band. The record company were providing the sound engineer and only the day before the event, I discovered they had forgotten to book one. TH was the only recommendation I had so I cold-called him. This man could not have been more amazing. Incredibly helpful and sweet and even willing to change his plans to allow him to work at the event, I could not wait to meet him.

By 7:30pm on the day of the event the guests were piling in, everything was crazy and I thought my head would burst. I was briefing the door staff on the guest list when in walked the most beautiful man. I instantly knew it was TH. In person he was even more lovely than on the phone and oh so attractive.

"Intuition is the clear conception of the whole at once."
Johann Kaspar Lavater

The night as a whole was mad but a big success. I had very little time to speak to TH but anytime I asked for his help (I admittedly looked for reasons to talk to him) he was more than happy to help and so his manner was so calming and sweet.

The following day I sent him an email providing him with invoice details and to say thank you. Rather than returning my email, he sent me a text saying what a pleasure it was to meet me and that he hopes we see each other again.

This couldn’t be more of a disaster… Judging by my track record, I now have approximately two weeks before he never speaks to me again.

"Experience is the best teacher, but a fool will learn from no other."
Benjamin Franklin

Preparing for a date.... Logistical Nightmare?

Tonight I am going on a date with a lovely Italian man and I feel (in this order):

• Nervous
• Excited
• Happy
  
• Cautious
  
• Vulnerable
  

The added pressure of the evening include the fact that most people in the damn town seems to know one or both of us thanks to our jobs. Can you imagine being on a date and having people you know coming over to chat and ask awkward questions? Bad News! This makes the venue choice is a bit of a mission.

1. Meet at 8 and go for a drink a gorgeous wine bar (none of my customers, lots of his!)
2. Head off to a unknown location for dinner (he is choosing venue and I've been warned that there will be none of his customers but some of mine)
3. Go for a drink in a lovely bar at the river. (Possibly frequents by our customers but unlikely)
   

On top of this I have the usual stressful crazy date preparation to get through!

My Date Preparation (up to and inc. tonight):

• Consider outfit and realise I have nothing remotely suitable in my wardrobe
• Rush out to buy some gorgeous black trousers that I 100% cannot afford
  
• Give my self a facial

- 1 Day before

• Pluck eyebrows
• Exfoliate
• Try on outfit and realise the gorgeous new trousers are too big.
  
• Panic and run over all the bad men I have ever met in my life before convincing myself that Mr Italian is not like any of them.
  

- Day of Date (morning)

• Set out the suitable parts of my outfit for quick change later
• Set out a contingency outfit
  
• Rush out before work to change the trousers for a better fitting pair
• Arrive late and flustered in to work and proceed through my day more stressed than necessary
  

- Day of Date (p.m. - 1 hour to get home, ready and back out)

• Have a super quick shower (I am great at these!) - max 5 mins
  
• Jump into my outfit (that now hopefully fits!) - max 5 mins
  
• Blow dry, straighten and back comb my hair - 25 mins
• Start Make up, natural but flattering - 10 mins
• Run for the bus which will inevitably be late - 10mins
• Continue Make Up while on the bus - 5 - 10 mins
• Run up the High Road - 5 mins
  
• Arrive looking windswept and no doubt awful with a big smile (fashionably 5 -10 minutes late)
  

So here goes, hopefully it will be a good night - I think it will - I hope it will! Wow, how stressful is dating? Shoud it really be this tough?

“Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.”

So everything with Mr Confusion was sorted out on Saturday.

Things have been a little on edge with us since my drunken disaster a few weeks ago (may I just say, I have been sober since ☺ ) when we had a very long and in-depth conversation that I could remember nothing of. On Wednesday we had a hug and a good chat and the air is now clear. Although I am still none the wiser as to what is happening with us… I’m confused… no, he’s confused… wait… what?

I’m sure that we decided to draw a line under ‘us’, however Mr Confusion appears to have changed his mind. I am not niaive, I am more than aware that he is well out of my reach and I simply put his behaviour down to having a few pints (although I was invited back to his place for ‘a drink’ and when I declined I received an extremely sweet good night phone call, which I won’t lie, I loved.) but yesterday, when Mr Confusion finished work, he sent me a text asking if I was around and would like to meet him for a drink, (considering he is a policeman, I doubt he was drinking on duty.) again I declined as I was in bed but we have agreed to see each other this evening. Hmm.

I could lie and say I’m smarter this time, and I’m not being drawn in, but that would be a lie. I am really looking forward to seeing him tonight. C’mon though – BUG ZAPPER.

What am I doing? I know I should just say no, and walk away from amazing, extremely handsome man now… but will I use my head and do that? No.

"There are some ideas so wrong that only a very intelligent person could believe in them." George Orwell

Life is pretty crazy isn't it?

Considering we are a pretty complex species... we are pretty damn useless at times. I mean this in the respect that we are completely unable to choose what we feel.

“Fear makes us feel our humanity.”
Benjamin Disraeli
What I have learnt from my relatively short time on earth is that we seem to be like bugs heading towards a brightly lit bug zapper. We know we shouldn't go there, we know its going to hurt and we know that is designed to mess us up pretty bad but hey... it looks so pretty! We ignore all the alarm bells in our head and continue to float cautiously towards that pretty light, wondering if maybe this time it isn't going hurt, maybe all the other bugs are wrong and actually this could be nothing but a pretty light... we get closer and closer.... then ZAP. Ouch.

We can block emotions for a limited time - but that's no use. As you well know I'm pretty damn good at hiding my true feelings, but why do I always go towards that dammit bug zapper.

“Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.”
I'm still pretty sure that I won't feel great until I face up to all the things I have been hiding from for so many years, but where to start? I have tried to face and fix them but to no avail. Another couple of years can't hurt can it?

Tomorrow I shall be heading up to visit my Dad, who is still in a really bad way. Spending time with him will be lovely, although there is a high chance that he won't know I'm there. I'm sure he'll get better, he is an incredibly strong man and I can't imagine the big guy would ever go down without a fight so I am determined to stay positive about the situation.

“There are two things a person should never be angry at, what they can help, and what they cannot.”
Sometimes I wonder when I changed from being a child to being an adult. When do the tides turn and the children begin to look after their parents. Not necessarily during illness, but during times of emotional stress as well. When do children become the friends rather than the kids. When do they become the carers rather than the dependents? I do not for one second grudge this, but the change happened so quickly!

In other news my personal life is a little less confusing these days... I know where I stand just now which makes a lovely change, although things are never easy over my side! It's not as though anything serious is going on just the usual... someone completely inappropriate. We both know that in reality it would never work. We do enjoy each others company and if circumstances were different, something good may have came of it, but too much about the situation is messy with too many repercussions. No change from the norm then!

"There are some ideas so wrong that only a very intelligent person could believe in them."

If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there" Lewis Carroll

"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs"
Robin Williams
Things have changed for me, not to a great extent, but they have changed all the same. Things are tougher in many ways and also easier. I feel like i'm slowly but surely beginning to understand myself which is nice.

Things have went wrong on other levels:
My Dad is more ill than I have ever known anyone to be and I feel almost completely alone with this dilemma.I can't go to my mum for obvious divorced parents reasons etc etc

I'm staying positive about it and I genuinely feel positive but I have discovered that that seems to be one of my coping mechanisms. I feel fine, completely fine and get on with things as though everything is and has always been completely fine until it suddenly all hits at once.

`Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place"
The Red Queen, Through the Looking Glass
I'm sick of men, I have yet again been messed around, but as with the above, it'll all be fine.

On my way to work today I thought about the fact I hadn't blogged in ages and out of no-where, this little limerick came in to my head:

I can't keep blogging my rubbish,
I can't keep on talking my p*sh,
My head's in a bubble,
Surrounded by rubble,
And my preaching is all gibberish .
Not bad for a bus ride to Chiswick.

"Develop your eccentricities while you are young. That way, when you get old, people won't think you're going gaga."
David Ogilvy

"Its been a bad day baby I just don’t know" The Charlatans

Contrary to what the title of this post suggests this is not the rant-type ramblings that have became all too common on this blog. No, not this time.

Things have changed, my situations have changed and it’s now time to say goodbye to the past and hello to all new things to come.

So here go all the updates:

Mr X and I are solely friends; I refuse completely to let anything else happen there. It is too painful and too confusing. We work as friends, not as anything more. Admittedly we don’t talk as much as we used to and I would be lying if I said this wasn’t upsetting but at the same time, it is far better like this than it would be if anything else were to happen.

He still confuses me, as much as ever but i’m all done there, no matter what happens now; we are friends and nothing more. My choice and one I am now comfortable with.

I am sticking to the single life. Focusing on work (god knows I have plenty to be getting on with) and focusing on getting myself back in gear.

On the subject of work, the enormity of what I have taken on has really hit me. It happened on Friday when a vital part of our team pulled out. Suddenly it dawned on me that even with this person on board, I am in big trouble. I am counting solely on my own determination to succeed and my need to prove myself within this organisation to get me through.

Everything is on my head at the moment and we are rapidly running out of time. (8 weeks today to be exact). I am working with an amazing team around me and I hope to god that it will come together.

I have been very good in keeping up running. My fitness as well as my mood is getting better everyday. Unfortunately this week I have come down with the cold meaning that I have had to take things very easy but I’ll be able to get back in action by next week I think.

All in all I feel that things are beginning to look up for me. I feel more in control of most areas of my life, other than work and family, (that is another blog post altogether!) but I think to myself that very few people are in control of these aspects. We can develop knowledge in both areas, but becoming expert enough in these subjects to be in control of them… that takes a whole different kind of person.

“In the confusion we stay with each other, happy to be together, speaking without uttering a single word”

“A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally.”
Oscar Wilde

I hate being wrong, I hate that I can't open my eyes to see the truth, I hate it that I can't even understand my own thoughts and feelings and that I'm ridiculous, with pretty much everything, I hate that I can't ever seek comfort and when I attempt to I get it all wrong, I go about it the wrong way, I make a mess of things, I ruin things.


Then again, I might not understand myself in the slightest, but I'll never be as bad as a man who can never make up their mind and seem to make it their mission to mess with your head


“Anger is just a cowardly extension of sadness. It's a lot easier to be angry at someone than it is to tell them you're hurt.”
Tom Gates

Even the nicest men mess with your head. Men you consider your best friends, or more. They always manage to get inside your head and have a good rake around until they find that exact spot - that tiny little button that when pushed, will send you over the edge. How are they programmed like that?

How are we programmed to accept that when we know we shouldn't

"I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all. " 10 Things I Hate About You

Why do I even care? *Screams and pulls out hair*

“Men play the game; women know the score” Roger Woddis

Men baffle me. I am truly bewildered as to how their minds work. Being the proactive person that I am, I have endeavored to discover more about the male mind, refusing to believe that an entire species can be both so complex and lets be honest... so simple at the same time.

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
Robin Williams
When I was in Scotland I was in an almost sickeningly happy relationship with the most sweet young man who promptly developed the bravery of a mouse when I realised I would have to relocate for work. This is fair as I could not ask him to commit when he clearly did not want to but I think I would have received a more pleasant reaction if I had told him I was radioactive. I may add here that this lovely young man is now seeing someone I used to babysit...

“When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.”
Elayne Boosler
After living in London for just over a month I met the lovely Mr X. We did and still do spend a lot of time together. We have kissed a couple of times but after discussing the situation we decided staying friends was the better option. This was ideal for me, having just came out of a relationship I certainly did not want another one, but I can say it was him who made the actual decision - basically he said the words "I think we're better as just friends". Marvelous. Now that is the kind of communication I find easy to understand and we have been great friends since.

So I then take up the invitation visit Irishman, a fantastic person who seems relatively easy to understand - other than the fact he is 30 and has never had a relationship that has lasted over 3 months, although I am aware he has had plenty of offers (alarm bells? No.) We have a fantastic weekend, he schedules a trip to see me and we chat every couple of days. Nothing serious, nothing full on, just enjoying each others company. Superb.

THEN after I have had one too many glasses of wine the lovely Mr X decides to say this to me: "actually, I think I have been a total eejit and that we should be together" and think to myself that its probably not the best time to say "erm, yeah I know your the loveliest person I have met since arriving in London and I know we have kissed a few times but I have an Irishman coming to see me".

“Men are like pumpkins. It seems like all the good ones are either taken or they've had everything scraped out of their heads with a spoon.”
Anon

I only want to be friends with Mr X, I have considered it and discussed it at length with a friend who also knows Mr X and is telling me that he will be very hurt when he finds out about Irish.

Men... I do not think I will ever understand the way their minds work