Catching Up is Hard to Do

The Future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of sixty minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is.C.S. Lewis

Trying to catch up on the past eight months is not do-able for the time being, however here are 10 points, in no particular order, to bring me back up to speed.

1) Home
I now live with the lovely man in the post prior to this one. He is as ever, incredible. Some cracks are beginning to show (i.e. he can't cook, clean and enjoys partying a bit much for me) but all in all, he is great and everything is going well.

2) Career
Late last year I was offered a job by a fantastic digital distribution company. Now three months in, I'm happy and getting used to a whole new side of the music industry. It wasn't the easiest move and I miss my old colleagues more than I expected to but my new colleagues are [mostly] great and this is a great experience. the main benefit of this situation is, I don't have to work 70 hours a week anymore!!!

3) Babies
My gorgeous little sister is pregnant. Oh dear. She is 17 and has her whole life infront of her. I can't say i'm over-the-moon about the situation but credit where it is due, she is one of the most clued up people I know and is showing a maturity beyong her years. I don't doubt for a second that she will be a fantastic Mum.

4) Travels
I was lucky enough to get to go to Cannes at the end of January for work. We went for a trade show and while it was busy and there were far too many meetings to be had, it's hard to complain when you are on the French riviera outside a bar soaking up the sun while talking numbers! It was an incredible place. Almost unreal. Everyone looked as though they had stepped off a catwalk, beer was 16euros and it wasn't uncommon to spend 40euro on a gin and tonic. Thank god for expenses!

5) Hanson
Yes... The "kids that sang Mmmbop". Well they are still going strong and I was over the moon to finally get to meet them. I've followed their musical career for the last 14 years and it was a pleasure to discover that they were just as lovely and pleasant as they have always seemed. Now, how to work with them? Hmm. The frustrating thing is, is that I was in with a chance of working with the band, however there are others after them too. I KNOW I would do better job than anyone else on this. There aren't many people in the industry who know the catalogue, the fans, target market and of course the values inside out the way I do. But how to convince them of that without sounding like a crazed fan?

6) Grandpa
One of the most upsetting and heartbreaking experiences of my life, was losing my Grandpa. He passed away peacefully late last year and honestly, I have never felt pain like it. I still miss him and still think I see him and do a double take when I see some elderly man in London. I don't think he ever even visited this city! Just wishful thinking.. R.I.P Grandpa, you will be missed forever.

7) Dad

Still ill, still ungrateful, still complaining, still pretty much useless. He has perked up a little bit now that is due to become a Grandpa himself. Maybe he will take this chance to man up and be the person he can and should be? fingers crossed!!

8) Pets
I have now got a hamster... named Hammond. That's about all I can say on this subject.

9) Weight
I have managed to gain approximately 45lbs in the last 8months. That's not cool... nor comfortable. It's either thanks to contentment... or takeaways.

10) Mum
Myself and my Mum have never been very open with oneanother. As Mothers go, she was amazing, however she has never really known much about me, including some major life changing experiences. We have agreed to go on a holiday together at the end of this month to spend time with each other and perhaps get to know each other better. i'm not overly enthusiastic, there is just too much to tell, but nonetheless, it's lovely that we are both making the effort.

So there we go, that's 10 facts from the past year which brings me back to present day.

What have I missed?

GA X

It's Been a Good Year Gone Bad

So first post of 2010 is so long overdue!
I’ll keep this one short.

For me, 2010 began full of blind optimism and complete faith that this would be a great year. I mean this one is different right? The end of 2009 was not only the end of a year, but the end of a decade! So much to look forward to!

How has 2010 treated you so far? Good? Bad?

For me the best word is tough. It has been a tough 6 weeks (is that really all it has been?) so far and a lot has happened. Very little of it good. In short, my sister and Dad are not doing so well and as their only family I have the responsibility of looking out for them. With my gorgeous little sister this is not an issue.. with my less than gorgeous Father… it is a big problem. My amazing housemate has now moved out as well, and I miss him a lot more than I thought I would. Finally work has been kicking me in the ass big style.

Regardless of all of the above - I STILL feel optimistic. When I reach the end of 2010, I am sure I will have achieved something. This year is a year for achievement against the odds. Not just for me, but for my sister, for my now ex-housemate, and I guess, perhaps even my Dad! Who knows!

"Another fresh new year is here....
Another year to live!
To banish worry, doubt and fear,
To love and laugh and give!

This bright new year is given me
To live each day with zest...
To daily grow and try to be
My highest and my best!

I have the opportunity
Once more to right some wrongs,
To pray for peace, to plant a tree
And sing more joyful songs!

William Arthur Ward

Happy 2010 everyone. It’s a new decade… let’s make this one count!

"That's Why You Turn & Run"

Here is a bit of background on the character that will shortly become the subject of my anger and frustration fueled rant...

3 ex wives
3 years in prison
2 daughters (1 to his second wife, 1 to his third)
1 is 15 and until last weekend the two had never met
1 amazing partner who bends over backwards to look after him
5 strokes in 2 years
4 month hospital stay
3 Spinal operations
0 thanks for all people do for him

Getting back in touch with a 'Father' after seven years of wondering what might have been is nothing short of amazing. The 'child' is full of anticipation and excitement about meeting someone who will pleased to see them, someone who 'should' have been by their side for years. The excitement becomes short lived a Mum warns that this man would promise me the world and deliver on nothing. Thank goodness I was warned.

Thankfully I have never required him to be there as a Father figure... I always had an amazing Dad in my life, my mums husband who is more than I could have hoped for.

My gorgeous little sister is in a different situation. For the past seven or eight year she has coped remarkably well without her Dad and is a strong and switched on young lady, however, she has now has the heartbreak of losing her mother leaving no parental influence in her life. This amazing young lady has got back in touch with my Dad in an attempt to feel like she belongs to a family... unfortunately my Dad is possibly the least reliable man on the planet

“The sudden disappointment of a hope leaves a scar which the ultimate fulfillment of that hope never entirely removes.”
Thomas Hardy

He does not deserve her love, he does not even deserve mine for all he has done in his life. We have both given him a second chance (or in my case 5th or 6th chance) and he couldn't appreciate it less. I do not need him... she does.

People like this will never change, we all know it although at times it would be nice if they were at least grateful for what they have, for the people they have around them who will keep forgiving, those who are looking after them when they are ill, backing them up when they are stuck in a tight spot but no... they won't. People like this truly believe they are entitled to what they have. They remain adamant that nothing is their fault. They do not admit to anything, they have no integrity and no sense of responsibility. They will happily take take take for their entire lives without ever learning the word "give."

At some point the people who look out for them, the people that have their back, will give up. They will leave the offending man's life forever and not even consider looking back.

Rant Over.

"There are some ideas so wrong that only a very intelligent person could believe in them." George Orwell

Life is pretty crazy isn't it?

Considering we are a pretty complex species... we are pretty damn useless at times. I mean this in the respect that we are completely unable to choose what we feel.

“Fear makes us feel our humanity.”
Benjamin Disraeli
What I have learnt from my relatively short time on earth is that we seem to be like bugs heading towards a brightly lit bug zapper. We know we shouldn't go there, we know its going to hurt and we know that is designed to mess us up pretty bad but hey... it looks so pretty! We ignore all the alarm bells in our head and continue to float cautiously towards that pretty light, wondering if maybe this time it isn't going hurt, maybe all the other bugs are wrong and actually this could be nothing but a pretty light... we get closer and closer.... then ZAP. Ouch.

We can block emotions for a limited time - but that's no use. As you well know I'm pretty damn good at hiding my true feelings, but why do I always go towards that dammit bug zapper.

“Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.”
I'm still pretty sure that I won't feel great until I face up to all the things I have been hiding from for so many years, but where to start? I have tried to face and fix them but to no avail. Another couple of years can't hurt can it?

Tomorrow I shall be heading up to visit my Dad, who is still in a really bad way. Spending time with him will be lovely, although there is a high chance that he won't know I'm there. I'm sure he'll get better, he is an incredibly strong man and I can't imagine the big guy would ever go down without a fight so I am determined to stay positive about the situation.

“There are two things a person should never be angry at, what they can help, and what they cannot.”
Sometimes I wonder when I changed from being a child to being an adult. When do the tides turn and the children begin to look after their parents. Not necessarily during illness, but during times of emotional stress as well. When do children become the friends rather than the kids. When do they become the carers rather than the dependents? I do not for one second grudge this, but the change happened so quickly!

In other news my personal life is a little less confusing these days... I know where I stand just now which makes a lovely change, although things are never easy over my side! It's not as though anything serious is going on just the usual... someone completely inappropriate. We both know that in reality it would never work. We do enjoy each others company and if circumstances were different, something good may have came of it, but too much about the situation is messy with too many repercussions. No change from the norm then!

"There are some ideas so wrong that only a very intelligent person could believe in them."

If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there" Lewis Carroll

"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs"
Robin Williams
Things have changed for me, not to a great extent, but they have changed all the same. Things are tougher in many ways and also easier. I feel like i'm slowly but surely beginning to understand myself which is nice.

Things have went wrong on other levels:
My Dad is more ill than I have ever known anyone to be and I feel almost completely alone with this dilemma.I can't go to my mum for obvious divorced parents reasons etc etc

I'm staying positive about it and I genuinely feel positive but I have discovered that that seems to be one of my coping mechanisms. I feel fine, completely fine and get on with things as though everything is and has always been completely fine until it suddenly all hits at once.

`Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place"
The Red Queen, Through the Looking Glass
I'm sick of men, I have yet again been messed around, but as with the above, it'll all be fine.

On my way to work today I thought about the fact I hadn't blogged in ages and out of no-where, this little limerick came in to my head:

I can't keep blogging my rubbish,
I can't keep on talking my p*sh,
My head's in a bubble,
Surrounded by rubble,
And my preaching is all gibberish .
Not bad for a bus ride to Chiswick.

"Develop your eccentricities while you are young. That way, when you get old, people won't think you're going gaga."
David Ogilvy